Page#4

I can't keep my jaw from hanging.
My skin is burning.
Fictionettes on tv sway their hips and invite you in. They tell me I'll never amount to it.
I know. Was I ever interested in them, or was it pure desperation?
The latter seems a bit more fitting.

Everyone is so obsessed with sexual favors.
Genitals are of the greatest importance.

I make no sense. This is why I hate to be a teenager.
I've become a hypocrite. Remember when we first started smoking weed? We promised him we would never do it. I told myself it was stupid, that I wouldn't do it. Once. Two quick hits on a rooftop.

Love. Safer than my previous vices.
Not so much anymore. They'd see. They'd know everything. Or maybe that's my paranoia again.

I wake up to shaking hands and an aching chest.
My brain doesn't work the way it used to. But it's an escape.

I don't have to think about why males love my body and hate my brain, or that I've never told my mother "I love you," or that I wonder everyday what life would be like if he survived instead of me.

Hide. Fill the sugar cup. Tell myself to stay away.

Annnnnd I found the tussin. Spinning. My fingers don't feel connected to my body. Laced cigs. Oh Lifetime, there's no such thing as an individual. I'm losing track of time.