My baby
Running down to the end of the garden in my new but ruined party dress I fell to the ground as tears started to fall. I clenched my fists tight trying to let my anger pass through. Nothing and I mean nothing would make this any better. Falling from my knees to my side, I didn’t notice how cold the morning mist made the grass and how the new fresh morning air hit my uncovered flesh like a thousand daggers. Drops of black filled tears trickled down my face. My memories spun round in my head making me feel sick and dizzy. If only I had been there, to protect him. If I could have held him in my arms as let out his last warm breath. Before he became my angel who I could no longer touch. The sense of loosing everything had just entered my life. My precious little boy. My sweet little angel. The one person I had loved for from the start. I only knew him for a short while. I never heard him speak. I never witnessed him grown up. But yet the short time I had with him was worth more than life it’s self.
I must have fallen asleep. As my baby was back in my arms. Looking up at me with his cute little smile. His innocent gaze. The thought of him needing me forever. It all became reality; I realized that when I opened my eyes again this dream would no longer be true. And my heart wouldn’t be aching with happiness but in replacement would be filled with deep emotion. I shivered as an ice cold breeze rushed past me. I opened my eyes but it wasn’t light, it was dark. I was alone. No lights where on anywhere around me. I thought I had died and was being returned to my angel to my one bit of hope. But it was only a wish. A blazing light appeared in front on me, almost blinding me. A gentle voice called out my name but I could hardly hear it over my deep breathing and pounding heart. The light fell and faded. I stared into darkness, before being pulled backwards into a tight but warming body. He was crying and started to rock us both. His grip become stronger I could tell he didn’t want to leave.
We stayed out in the cold together till light started to appear. I dried my eyes as best as I could, before turning to see my one true love staring straight into my eyes. He looked like a ghost. He was cold. But I still couldn’t feel anything. It was fault that he was taken from his life. I wasn’t there to protect him. And now I had to bare life with the memory of him forever. My mind drifted for a few minutes but when I returned he was still look straight at me. I longed for him to say that everything was okay. For him to tell me I wasn’t the one to blame. That he still loved me. But nothing seemed to be in his mind. At least nothing for me. I turned away from him and shut my eyes. I needed to be with my baby. I needed to tell him how much mummy loved him. How sorry mummy was for not being there. I wanted to know he was okay.
My mind went else where. This time I was back a few days ago in my home. I had brought him home from the hospital. The first time he was properly mine. I gave every second of my time. Even when his sweet little head was asleep I sat and watched him. I couldn’t believe he was mine. He had that new born smell. I got lost in him sometimes. But after a few nights of happiness it all turned into a nightmare. He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t sleep. It was as if he hated me. After six days of having him home he stopped breathing. I screamed and panicked. The ambulance came and took us back to where we started. He was no longer mine. But we where in the right place. He died three times that night and all we could do is sit there in tears. But I soon got him back. So we had a party to celebrate him being okay and him finally being part of the family. I got a new dress and got him a matching outfit to his dad. I went to check him several times. The last time I saw him alive he smiled at me. I knew he loved me. I knew he would always need me. I went back to everyone smiling and we all joked around. Hour later I held a dead baby boy in my arms blood coming out from his mouth. We tired to get him back. A doctor tried. But he was dead! I cuddled him. I didn’t want to let him go. It took some force to get him out of my arms. He was never mine not really. And now it was as if he was a memory which caused me pain at a slight thought of his name. My sweet innocent little boy was not mummies little angel who I could never touch. I could never hear talked. Who I could never witness grow up.
I must have fallen asleep. As my baby was back in my arms. Looking up at me with his cute little smile. His innocent gaze. The thought of him needing me forever. It all became reality; I realized that when I opened my eyes again this dream would no longer be true. And my heart wouldn’t be aching with happiness but in replacement would be filled with deep emotion. I shivered as an ice cold breeze rushed past me. I opened my eyes but it wasn’t light, it was dark. I was alone. No lights where on anywhere around me. I thought I had died and was being returned to my angel to my one bit of hope. But it was only a wish. A blazing light appeared in front on me, almost blinding me. A gentle voice called out my name but I could hardly hear it over my deep breathing and pounding heart. The light fell and faded. I stared into darkness, before being pulled backwards into a tight but warming body. He was crying and started to rock us both. His grip become stronger I could tell he didn’t want to leave.
We stayed out in the cold together till light started to appear. I dried my eyes as best as I could, before turning to see my one true love staring straight into my eyes. He looked like a ghost. He was cold. But I still couldn’t feel anything. It was fault that he was taken from his life. I wasn’t there to protect him. And now I had to bare life with the memory of him forever. My mind drifted for a few minutes but when I returned he was still look straight at me. I longed for him to say that everything was okay. For him to tell me I wasn’t the one to blame. That he still loved me. But nothing seemed to be in his mind. At least nothing for me. I turned away from him and shut my eyes. I needed to be with my baby. I needed to tell him how much mummy loved him. How sorry mummy was for not being there. I wanted to know he was okay.
My mind went else where. This time I was back a few days ago in my home. I had brought him home from the hospital. The first time he was properly mine. I gave every second of my time. Even when his sweet little head was asleep I sat and watched him. I couldn’t believe he was mine. He had that new born smell. I got lost in him sometimes. But after a few nights of happiness it all turned into a nightmare. He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t sleep. It was as if he hated me. After six days of having him home he stopped breathing. I screamed and panicked. The ambulance came and took us back to where we started. He was no longer mine. But we where in the right place. He died three times that night and all we could do is sit there in tears. But I soon got him back. So we had a party to celebrate him being okay and him finally being part of the family. I got a new dress and got him a matching outfit to his dad. I went to check him several times. The last time I saw him alive he smiled at me. I knew he loved me. I knew he would always need me. I went back to everyone smiling and we all joked around. Hour later I held a dead baby boy in my arms blood coming out from his mouth. We tired to get him back. A doctor tried. But he was dead! I cuddled him. I didn’t want to let him go. It took some force to get him out of my arms. He was never mine not really. And now it was as if he was a memory which caused me pain at a slight thought of his name. My sweet innocent little boy was not mummies little angel who I could never touch. I could never hear talked. Who I could never witness grow up.
♠ ♠ ♠
Tigger