Church for Dogs
I take you back to 1999, when I was seven and you were there, and you cared.
I was in the cue for the slide, being pushed to the side, I was little and I was always being pushed far behind.
You got me to the top, threatened to beat on them kids, you said you’d hit them, find their daddy’s and beat on them too. When you loved me for some reason. Clearly just for a season. I didn’t think a dad could love their kids and leave em’
For some reason, in that season I began to hate on my mam, tellin her you were better, that you loved me more, I was wrong, Cause you stopped comin’. Stopped wanting to see me as often.
Now we go to 2003 and I was nine, And I hadn’t seen you in such a long time.
I was in the park, playing football on the grass, you showed up,
even though you hadn’t for four weeks before
and you started to tell me how you adored me, But I couldn’t listen, the smell of BO and alcohol leaking from your pours.
I shouted me mam, I didn’t like seeing you like this.
You hissed at me, told me that this was non of her business.
I didn’t like it, my friend was laughing at me now.
Her father never turned up falling over, and how?
How could you think this is good, that this is how a daddy act’s, cause
I ain’t never seen a daddy screw his child around so much.
And I, haven’t I told you before?
I’m the kid, your suppose to act more mature.
Now I’m getting older, I’m staying at your house with your wife.
she is mixing me some coke and spiking it with vodka,
My older step sister is coating my eyes with mascara.
Taking me out with her on a night, telling me I’ll pull, But I was eleven,
I knew I wasn’t ready for this life.
I was smoking in the bushes behind school with Melissa,
She was saying that I would never be like her sister.
I just wanted somewhere to fit in,
I was walking downstairs finding you drunk in the kitchen.
My mam found out, god it nearly killed her,
Killed her that her baby daughter was smoking and drinkin’,
Seen her daddy passed out in the kitchen,
Because her baby daughter was more dead than alive,
I didn’t know how to feel,
I was imitating, Watching others demonstrating how to act this way,
And I was reminded of how I felt that day,
When I saw you in park, And I began to vomit.
Bad enough that I was 50% you, now I had to stop it. I was getting more like you every day.
Never letting my mother have her good say. So I stopped.
And I popped the pictures of you out of every book,
I saved them in a box, under my bed and I tucked,
It away, and to this day, I hate looking at em’
When I was fourteen I was living a good life, The life that a teenager should,
Being good,
Working hard at school, paying attention to the rules.
And I know It was because I didn’t talk to you.
But these three years were short lived when you phoned me on night,
My sister told you I had been cutting, Putting it politely I told you to piss off.
I ain’t never thaughta doing it, not even once. But you were missin me,
But I knew you would end up pissing me about.
I hung up the phone, words I wanted to say, never left my mouth.
I wanted to tell you I hate you,
I wanted to devastate you,
But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I took the fucking razor to peaces and slipped it,
Over my writs and watched it drip and,
I never felt to repulsed my myself,
I still have the scar,
And I still feel repulsed with my self,
I got addicted,
Carving myself became a habit.
Years went by and my hands were swollen,
A cut a day on my fingers was proven,
Normal, in fact no one ever noticed,
I told them it was a paper cut off cardboard.
When My mam found out, I knew it was the last straw,
I have never ever seen her so devastated before.
She told me it was time to see a doctor,
But I never did, I told her that It was peer pressure.
I knew it killed her, and I knew I had to stop,
So I did.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but It was worth it,
To see my mother acting like normal.
Then she told me, Your daddy might be going to prison.
I told he rI didn’t mind, I knew it was his own,
Fault for not paying money he rightfully owed,
Money he has stole from me, And told me he had put it away.
And once Again I was back on the day,
The day when you were drunk on a Sunday.
The Sabbath day, but you were never one for religion,
Or the day you were drunk in the kitchen.
All he had to do was pay five pound a week,
A tiny price to pay for the shit that you did.
But you didn’t, said you weren’t working,
But you were, I had seen you driving your taxi.
I had seen you drive it right past me, with out stopping to look or smile,
On them occasions I know my respect for you died.
And no I’m sitting here, And I’m feeling Fucking dead.
Because half of me is you,
And you know what I said,
I said I wanted to hate you,
And I know that I do, but I could never hurt you,
I wish you didn’t want to hurt me. Too.
I was in the cue for the slide, being pushed to the side, I was little and I was always being pushed far behind.
You got me to the top, threatened to beat on them kids, you said you’d hit them, find their daddy’s and beat on them too. When you loved me for some reason. Clearly just for a season. I didn’t think a dad could love their kids and leave em’
For some reason, in that season I began to hate on my mam, tellin her you were better, that you loved me more, I was wrong, Cause you stopped comin’. Stopped wanting to see me as often.
Now we go to 2003 and I was nine, And I hadn’t seen you in such a long time.
I was in the park, playing football on the grass, you showed up,
even though you hadn’t for four weeks before
and you started to tell me how you adored me, But I couldn’t listen, the smell of BO and alcohol leaking from your pours.
I shouted me mam, I didn’t like seeing you like this.
You hissed at me, told me that this was non of her business.
I didn’t like it, my friend was laughing at me now.
Her father never turned up falling over, and how?
How could you think this is good, that this is how a daddy act’s, cause
I ain’t never seen a daddy screw his child around so much.
And I, haven’t I told you before?
I’m the kid, your suppose to act more mature.
Now I’m getting older, I’m staying at your house with your wife.
she is mixing me some coke and spiking it with vodka,
My older step sister is coating my eyes with mascara.
Taking me out with her on a night, telling me I’ll pull, But I was eleven,
I knew I wasn’t ready for this life.
I was smoking in the bushes behind school with Melissa,
She was saying that I would never be like her sister.
I just wanted somewhere to fit in,
I was walking downstairs finding you drunk in the kitchen.
My mam found out, god it nearly killed her,
Killed her that her baby daughter was smoking and drinkin’,
Seen her daddy passed out in the kitchen,
Because her baby daughter was more dead than alive,
I didn’t know how to feel,
I was imitating, Watching others demonstrating how to act this way,
And I was reminded of how I felt that day,
When I saw you in park, And I began to vomit.
Bad enough that I was 50% you, now I had to stop it. I was getting more like you every day.
Never letting my mother have her good say. So I stopped.
And I popped the pictures of you out of every book,
I saved them in a box, under my bed and I tucked,
It away, and to this day, I hate looking at em’
When I was fourteen I was living a good life, The life that a teenager should,
Being good,
Working hard at school, paying attention to the rules.
And I know It was because I didn’t talk to you.
But these three years were short lived when you phoned me on night,
My sister told you I had been cutting, Putting it politely I told you to piss off.
I ain’t never thaughta doing it, not even once. But you were missin me,
But I knew you would end up pissing me about.
I hung up the phone, words I wanted to say, never left my mouth.
I wanted to tell you I hate you,
I wanted to devastate you,
But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I took the fucking razor to peaces and slipped it,
Over my writs and watched it drip and,
I never felt to repulsed my myself,
I still have the scar,
And I still feel repulsed with my self,
I got addicted,
Carving myself became a habit.
Years went by and my hands were swollen,
A cut a day on my fingers was proven,
Normal, in fact no one ever noticed,
I told them it was a paper cut off cardboard.
When My mam found out, I knew it was the last straw,
I have never ever seen her so devastated before.
She told me it was time to see a doctor,
But I never did, I told her that It was peer pressure.
I knew it killed her, and I knew I had to stop,
So I did.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but It was worth it,
To see my mother acting like normal.
Then she told me, Your daddy might be going to prison.
I told he rI didn’t mind, I knew it was his own,
Fault for not paying money he rightfully owed,
Money he has stole from me, And told me he had put it away.
And once Again I was back on the day,
The day when you were drunk on a Sunday.
The Sabbath day, but you were never one for religion,
Or the day you were drunk in the kitchen.
All he had to do was pay five pound a week,
A tiny price to pay for the shit that you did.
But you didn’t, said you weren’t working,
But you were, I had seen you driving your taxi.
I had seen you drive it right past me, with out stopping to look or smile,
On them occasions I know my respect for you died.
And no I’m sitting here, And I’m feeling Fucking dead.
Because half of me is you,
And you know what I said,
I said I wanted to hate you,
And I know that I do, but I could never hurt you,
I wish you didn’t want to hurt me. Too.