Can't understand my own heart

I can't understand the throb,
the gentle rhythmic song,
the way it harmonizes to my sob,
and makes me love all thats wrong,

i simply can't understand,
my own painfully desperate heart,
i weaken as i fall under it's command,
why does ,in it's beat, he play a part,

he violated me in ways i can't explain,
the source of rivers down my cheeks,
cause me so much spinning pain,
the love was crushed after weeks and weeks,

after said he was sorry, before he loved me,
now a new girl is in his shortened life,
would it be easier to turn and flee?
but i fail to see, between us, strife.

he breaks the law every ticking day,
drugs and alcohol turns his world,
dirty words are in the things he say,
his back ground of misery swirled,

kissing him is like sucking a cigarette,
stale and cold but addictive,
his body oder is old smoke and sweat,
nothing in his wild life is restrictive,

but he puts others before his shit,
he knows how to make you feel good,
he's the type of guy who would commit,
treat you how he really should,

he's intelligent and lovable,
makes me laugh so hard,
his emotions, unlike mine, are stable,
we know it's everyone he will regard,

i love him so much but i don't understand why,
after what he did to rip my insides a raw cut,
i can't watch him with other girls, so i have to lie,
to get out of there so all of it i can shut,

it's painful to look at him,
i feel so bound and it's killing me,
making both our lives grim,
but i wish he could see,

when you said you loved me was it a lie?
i'm sorry if what i remembered from that night is wrong,
sorry for what i said like a slut, squatting you like a fly,
but hopefully it won't last that long,

can we start again my boy?
forgive and forget so i can love,
neither of us each others toy,
then free and beautiful flies the dove.

I love you
<3
x