Tears, Fears and a Secret That Hurts to Hide

If only you knew
the tears I cried.
For what I told you wasn’t quite true
because I’m afraid of the secret I hide.
I don’t believe I should hurt you
just to clear my conscience.
It seems too much an expense.
I dream in fear
then realize most of the nightmares are reality.
It hurts when you are near
because the truth is key
and I’m sadly not using that strategy.
I’m just so scared
you’ll never forgive or forget.
That you’ll leave like it was for me, you never cared.
That you’ll be off like a fighter jet,
fast and quick
to take a better pick.

If only I would admit
to the horrific mistake I made.
It makes me feel like I should b hit
or like you should break my heart the way he tore it.
It was for a boy like you I prayed
and together we’ve stayed,
but I fear if I come clean, we will both fade.
I’ll disappear into guilt.
You’ll disappear into hate.
My life without you would just wilt.
You’d say my confession was too late.

If only I knew
how to come clean,
to tell you what was really true.
So maybe I would stop having the same dream
of how u looked at me like I was the most pathetic thing you’ve seen.
I don’t think I could bare
that kind of stare.
Couldn’t bare that kind of pity
like I’m just some homeless girl in the city.
I don’t think I can handle that,
but the guilt hits me like a bat.
My heart pleading to let go,
but my mind saying ,“you don’t want him to think of you as another hoe”.
However I’ve grown tired of this lie.
Creeping deep inside,
crowding my brain,
and intensifying the pain.
Until I cry so hard I fear it will rain.
I’m so scared nothing will be of gain
instead I’m sure its alone I’ll remain.
For even if my conscience is clear,
it is that I have hurt him, I’ll fear.
That he’ll no longer want to be called my dear.

If only you knew
the tears I cried.
For what I told you wasn’t quite true
and now I’m afraid of the secret I hide.