Stay Away, but Don't Leave

The wheels in my head are under construction.
What life?
This past keeps up with my present speed.
One face is a lie,
two more kill the strength.
I want to move onto something more thrilling.
Dear future self,
Look upon this life with no regrets,
or live in a lie now to lose everyone.

One soul surrounding my healing;
ripped open at the seams.
I try to keep my confidence about me,
but it's always the memories.
Don't keep me close, but don't let me go.
Do I want victory or equality?
Do I really want a new life that will be so familiar?
Something that's caused me confusion, and pain, and guilt?
Will it wipe my pride from this slate?

Pride touches my heart.
Not going back shows my strength.
But should I have to be so strong?
The poison words on my tongue used to rest as vengeance on my mind.
I'm at odds with the lively dead.
I honestly don't know how alive I am.

I lied.
How can I have said that?
It's so not right.
Dear past self,
I want you to shrivel,
because in my current state you can kill.
What about my reputation for greatness amongst this?
Being a big talker makes me want to walk taller.
Because I shouldn't be faced with this.

I am not weak.
So stay away.