Don't Save Me
I'm messed up in the head. I don't deserve your help. Why? I really don't know why. I just know I don't. My thoughts are getting worse and so is everything else. I don't want to hate myself, but I just can't seem to stop. I mean it's all I know. I don't want to change them. I've gotten used to them.
When we sit in counseling, only one thought is going through my head. " Wouldn't it be so much easier to just leave, and die already". I mean you guys do so much, and just like the voices say " I don't deserve this". I mean I am an ungrateful brat, they said so. I am a freak, people tell me so. I understand, really.
I just hate pretending. I hate to have to lie everyday. I can't keep up the smile much longer. I can't keep up this fucking charade any longer. I've been doing it my entire life because something bad always happens. I can try to be happy but I just don't know anymore. I really don't.
Every time I'm close to being happy, some unforeseen demon blocks my path there. When I was 10, my foster parents finally allowed me to see my sister who, at the time, was 16. She had some sisters and brothers there, and believe me they were so very nice. They treated me like family, and being with my sister gave me a feeling of relief because I never had to hide things from her.
Only, her younger brother, who was only 13, was abusive, and hurt me he did. He only hurt me and made me promise not to tell. I never break promises no matter how bad. When he found out I cut myself he thought it was funny and always made fun of me for it. After he found out, when ever I made him mad he cut deep slashes into my body.
I would always have bruises, from him, and people would ask were I got them. I told them I fell or me and him was rough housing again. I was a good liar and I never had trouble making people believe something. Maybe it was because I was so Innocent. I don't really don't now.
When I was eleven and he was fourteen he started abusing me sexually and to this day he still does. I still have scars from him slashing cuts into my body. If he never did it, no one would've found out. Thanks to him, one of HIS cuts on my body reopened while me and my parents were at Wal-Mart. When they saw it I was forced to go to the hospital to get stitches.
My secret was found out, but I never told his. I was hospitalized and even now I still blame myself. When I got out no one really knew where I was and if anyone saw my cuts I told them It was a dog attack. People bought it. I still wish I was a horrible liar. Then maybe someone would be able to help me.
A few months ago I finally got a boyfriend. I was talking to my sister about it and I told her how happy I was with him and how sweet he was to me. He heard me and lets say he wasn't happy about it. He told me that I had to break up with him or face the consequences. I didn't know what the consequence but after everything he'd done to me I didn't want to find out.
I had to break up with him and now I'm stuck with him. I've finally stopped cutting, its not like you would know. I mean he still cuts my body so........there's that. Anyway, Don't save me. Don't try to help me. If you let me go, I'll be free. I know its selfish. I know its rude. I know its stupid, but just if you let me go I can finally be happy.
I know you guys care about me. But you really shouldn't. Just think, If I died you wouldn't have to pay for clothes, extra food, counseling, anything. You wouldn't have to. I want you to be a happy. And it hurts me to see how much me hurting hurts you. I don't want to hurt you guys so me being gone should make you happy. Its a good thing. You don't need to save me.
So please................Just stop.
When we sit in counseling, only one thought is going through my head. " Wouldn't it be so much easier to just leave, and die already". I mean you guys do so much, and just like the voices say " I don't deserve this". I mean I am an ungrateful brat, they said so. I am a freak, people tell me so. I understand, really.
I just hate pretending. I hate to have to lie everyday. I can't keep up the smile much longer. I can't keep up this fucking charade any longer. I've been doing it my entire life because something bad always happens. I can try to be happy but I just don't know anymore. I really don't.
Every time I'm close to being happy, some unforeseen demon blocks my path there. When I was 10, my foster parents finally allowed me to see my sister who, at the time, was 16. She had some sisters and brothers there, and believe me they were so very nice. They treated me like family, and being with my sister gave me a feeling of relief because I never had to hide things from her.
Only, her younger brother, who was only 13, was abusive, and hurt me he did. He only hurt me and made me promise not to tell. I never break promises no matter how bad. When he found out I cut myself he thought it was funny and always made fun of me for it. After he found out, when ever I made him mad he cut deep slashes into my body.
I would always have bruises, from him, and people would ask were I got them. I told them I fell or me and him was rough housing again. I was a good liar and I never had trouble making people believe something. Maybe it was because I was so Innocent. I don't really don't now.
When I was eleven and he was fourteen he started abusing me sexually and to this day he still does. I still have scars from him slashing cuts into my body. If he never did it, no one would've found out. Thanks to him, one of HIS cuts on my body reopened while me and my parents were at Wal-Mart. When they saw it I was forced to go to the hospital to get stitches.
My secret was found out, but I never told his. I was hospitalized and even now I still blame myself. When I got out no one really knew where I was and if anyone saw my cuts I told them It was a dog attack. People bought it. I still wish I was a horrible liar. Then maybe someone would be able to help me.
A few months ago I finally got a boyfriend. I was talking to my sister about it and I told her how happy I was with him and how sweet he was to me. He heard me and lets say he wasn't happy about it. He told me that I had to break up with him or face the consequences. I didn't know what the consequence but after everything he'd done to me I didn't want to find out.
I had to break up with him and now I'm stuck with him. I've finally stopped cutting, its not like you would know. I mean he still cuts my body so........there's that. Anyway, Don't save me. Don't try to help me. If you let me go, I'll be free. I know its selfish. I know its rude. I know its stupid, but just if you let me go I can finally be happy.
I know you guys care about me. But you really shouldn't. Just think, If I died you wouldn't have to pay for clothes, extra food, counseling, anything. You wouldn't have to. I want you to be a happy. And it hurts me to see how much me hurting hurts you. I don't want to hurt you guys so me being gone should make you happy. Its a good thing. You don't need to save me.
So please................Just stop.