Losing Faith Before a Toilet on a Monday Afternoon

I knelt before the Blue today
With little hesitation
Gradually my hand ascended
Slowly, higher, higher, higher,
Shaking, nervous, gently broken
Dry and cracked: my colorless lips
Part, not wide enough
For anything but
My rattling breaths
Still ascending even higher
I will part my lips
Myself.

Unlike I anticipated
I did not become
A sudden machine
Set in motion,
Unable to stop
There was no plunging turning point
Only convulsions,
And not overly violent
There they’ve stopped
No
One more
My eyes water
As I choke
Loudly
Thank the god
I no longer believe in
I am home alone

Louder still I whimper
I could scream and sob
I do not
I cannot
I catch my breath
Still kneeling, bowing
I cling to the Blue
Holding it with skinny arms
They are not the problem
Cold and round and dirty and Blue
My arms barely hold me up
And shake

My stomach says I’m hungry
But eight pounds say I’m not
I knelt before the Blue today