Pedophilia: View of a Man
Late afternoon, summer
Sunlight streaming though the window panes
The house is comfortingly warm;
He is comfortingly warm
The cat wanders in
Looks around, sits, gets up, leaves
His blue eyes follow her tail out
The boy's obsession with that cat is endless
And he doesn't move
He doesn't even make a sound
His sobs stopped long ago
In my arms, he is still
I brush brown strands from his face
And kiss the top of his head
He doesn't flinch, not anymore
He accepts my actions for reality
He sneezes and I bless him
A sniffle replies
I ask if he's hungry
He just looks at me
"Mom'll be here soon," he says
I look at the clock
He's right
I open my arms for him
He stands slowly, turns, looks at me again
I look back. I smile
He asks if I want a kiss
I say, "D'you wanna give me a kiss?"
Leaning forward, his lips touch mine
Just as the doorbell rings
Pulling back, his small hand finds my hair
Just as the cat returns
I say to him as I stand, "How old are you now?"
Twelve next month.
He asks the same of me:
Add nine to twelve.
He nods knowingly as I open the door
Loud hello's and big smiles
The mother takes her son's hand
She thanks me, he says bye
One last look before the door closes
Car noises fade into the distance,
the cat meows again and exits,
then silence.
The first time that boy came here
two years ago
It was a favor for a husband-less friend
Who was swamped with work
He was never any trouble
He did as he was told
Although I never told him to do anything
I only ever asked
It's not like I'm this way by nature
There's just something about that child
That if he were a grown man
I would still act this way
And it's not like he rejects me
But he has never completely accepted me
He's always scared each time, yet allows me each time
Contradicts his attitudes with his actions
I cannot relate this feeling
To what you think it is
It's just a needing and a wanting
It isn't anything so complex
It's a mutual caring
A one-sided lustful quiet
Spoken in hello's and good-bye's
Spent in shared afternoons
I once queried if he'd told
He said no
It never occurred to him to
He didn't really care
He said it was his choice
A whim of his own
I wondered how one so young knew
To do what he wanted, knew the word "whim"
He'd been void of childhood innocence
An adult in youth's skin
His father taught him "the value of hard work
And the reward of not making daddy mad"
Anyway
I've never forced him to do anything
If he ever wanted it to end, it would
I wouldn't want to, but I'd comply
And I know it's something 'wrong'
But this is my life
This is my explanation:
Everyone has their guilty pleasures
I anticipate his growth
His age
I anticipate where this goes
And defining what "this" even is
Sunlight streaming though the window panes
The house is comfortingly warm;
He is comfortingly warm
The cat wanders in
Looks around, sits, gets up, leaves
His blue eyes follow her tail out
The boy's obsession with that cat is endless
And he doesn't move
He doesn't even make a sound
His sobs stopped long ago
In my arms, he is still
I brush brown strands from his face
And kiss the top of his head
He doesn't flinch, not anymore
He accepts my actions for reality
He sneezes and I bless him
A sniffle replies
I ask if he's hungry
He just looks at me
"Mom'll be here soon," he says
I look at the clock
He's right
I open my arms for him
He stands slowly, turns, looks at me again
I look back. I smile
He asks if I want a kiss
I say, "D'you wanna give me a kiss?"
Leaning forward, his lips touch mine
Just as the doorbell rings
Pulling back, his small hand finds my hair
Just as the cat returns
I say to him as I stand, "How old are you now?"
Twelve next month.
He asks the same of me:
Add nine to twelve.
He nods knowingly as I open the door
Loud hello's and big smiles
The mother takes her son's hand
She thanks me, he says bye
One last look before the door closes
Car noises fade into the distance,
the cat meows again and exits,
then silence.
The first time that boy came here
two years ago
It was a favor for a husband-less friend
Who was swamped with work
He was never any trouble
He did as he was told
Although I never told him to do anything
I only ever asked
It's not like I'm this way by nature
There's just something about that child
That if he were a grown man
I would still act this way
And it's not like he rejects me
But he has never completely accepted me
He's always scared each time, yet allows me each time
Contradicts his attitudes with his actions
I cannot relate this feeling
To what you think it is
It's just a needing and a wanting
It isn't anything so complex
It's a mutual caring
A one-sided lustful quiet
Spoken in hello's and good-bye's
Spent in shared afternoons
I once queried if he'd told
He said no
It never occurred to him to
He didn't really care
He said it was his choice
A whim of his own
I wondered how one so young knew
To do what he wanted, knew the word "whim"
He'd been void of childhood innocence
An adult in youth's skin
His father taught him "the value of hard work
And the reward of not making daddy mad"
Anyway
I've never forced him to do anything
If he ever wanted it to end, it would
I wouldn't want to, but I'd comply
And I know it's something 'wrong'
But this is my life
This is my explanation:
Everyone has their guilty pleasures
I anticipate his growth
His age
I anticipate where this goes
And defining what "this" even is