Grey

Its grey, the sky.
Dark, threatening grey,
A grey of Unhappiness.
But I’ve known blue,
Wild, electric blue,
Happy blue.
Yes, I’ve seen blue.
At least, in times gone by,
I’ve seen Happy blue.
But maybe even then,
The sky was grey,
But hiding.
Hiding behind nice fluffy clouds,
Clouds called Denial,
As grey masqueraded as blue.
But Denial is gone now,
Blown away by Truth’s wind,
So I see it now.
And now it’s grey,
Deep, stormy grey.
It’s a storm cloud,
Unhappy grey cloud,
Sometimes split by lightening,
A lightening of Anger.
And now the rain comes.
Depression’s rain.
It’s black,
Did you know?
The rain,
A sticky black,
One that soaks into you,
Stains you.
Indelible stains.
But oddly,
The rain,
Black rain,
Depression’s rain,
It tastes salty,
Like tears.
And the rain,
Salty rain,
It comes down,
Hard,
Pounding,
Flattening what’s in its path.
And rising
Growing
That black water is.
I watch it,
Standing,
Watching the black tide rise,
As I stand,
Stand with shaky knees
On my peninsula,
Peninsula of Self Esteem,
Off the mainland of Confidence,
Where I try to scrape a living.
But that tide,
It’s rising,
And my peninsula,
It’s now an island,
Sad, lonely island,
As I try to beat back the tide,
From Depression’s rain.
But the tides keep rising,
They have cut me off,
And I am stranded,
Stranded on my isle of Self Esteem,
As the waters keep rising.
So Self Esteem,
It’s swallowed by Depression,
Now a black tide,
With currents.
Underwater currents,
Of Violence,
They threaten my balance,
Precarious balance.
I only still stand with help,
Help from a crutch,
Carved from a tree,
A Defiance tree.
But the crutch won’t keep me up long,
For Defiance isn’t strong wood,
You know?
Soon it breaks,
Shatters,
Splinters,
And I fall.
Fall into salty, staining water,
And I can’t gain my feet again,
So I’m lost,
Lost in the water,
Blinded,
Disoriented,
As the waves batter me,
Waves of Desolation,
Trying to take it,
It,
My last lifeline,
A lifeline of Pride.
Not much,
But something,
So I cling on stubbornly,
Clutching Pride,
Until the waters,
They void me,
Half drowned by Depression,
They spit me out,
Onto a rock shore,
Washed up,
On the shore of Despair.
Nothing grows on Despair,
Nothing lives,
Barren,
Desolate place.
That’s where I am.
They only other thing there,
With me,
Washed up by that same tide,
Still lapping at my feet,
Is a Gun.
Cold Gun,
Steel Gun,
One bullet Gun.
Gun has a name too,
But I think you know it already.
Gun shines temptingly,
Tauntingly,
Daringly.
I know why it’s there,
Here with me on Despair,
The stony shore.
I want to touch it,
Pick it up,
Hold it,
So I look around,
With eyes of Panic.
See shore,
Then black waters.
And then I strain my eyes.
Far in the distance,
Almost a world away,
I see land.
The land of Contentment,
Protected by clean waters.
A mix of Peace,
Peace and Forgiveness,
Cleansing water.
Surrounds that land I saw.
Or did I?
Could it be a fake?
A figment of Imagination,
A mirage of Desperation?
I can’t tell,
Never could,
You never can.
So I chose to believe,
It was Hope’s light,
And not,
Never,
Can’t,
Be Desperation’s mirage.
But to get to Contentment,
There is a journey,
Long,
Arduous.
A swim through water,
Depression’s water,
Filled with sharks,
Smiling sharks,
Gleaming,
White teeth,
Bared in smiles,
Or are they sneers?
Sharks that smile,
Smile as they shred,
Destroy,
Devastate.
Killing.
Scaring,
Scars of Distrust,
From smile killers,
Or a killer’s smile.
But I must face this,
And swim.
Courage swim,
Last chance swim.
For it is swim,
Or Gun.
Cold Gun,
One bullet Gun.
I chose swim,
Last chance swim.
But,
Even so,
Even though I don’t know,
Don’t know why,
Or for who.
Me,
Or the sharks.
I want better,
So I took the swim.
But when I went swimming,
I took the Gun.