Why can't I

Why can't I say your name
It leaks from cracks in the ceiling--acidic
So that st times these halls are like mine fields
I accidently step in the wrong place and...
People--friends even
Carry terrible weapons that burn me
And they don't know

Yeah I know you're around here somewhere
But it's so ugly
I can't

Why can't I say your name
It is sandpaper that rubs raw my heart
And this "happiness" or whatever may only ever have been a defense
Yeah that's right
My tears just got so tired

Oh but I know you're not dead
I guess it makes the pain duller
And it's easier that way

Why can't I say your name
It's a rusty razor
dirty and deep
lodged in my ribs
--don't touch it!
This is my mess
And I'm a hoarder of heartbreak
Because I can't be anything else

Why can't I say your name
Because your name is a ghost that I always think is right behind me
It makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
And I'm frozen
Too spooked to turn around and face what might be there
Instead I lash out aimlessly
Violently
Desperately
Helplessly against an ocean of monsters
I'm afraid are coming out of the darkness to get me
I'm drowning in nothing

Yes I know that I
Am the ghost here
Reliving the same tortures over again
Why
What unfinished business do I have

I know you live here in this world too
But you are my hungry wolf
And I'd light forests on fire to keep you away

Why can't I say your name
'Cause what your name really is
Is the monstrous shadow
Of a little cockroach
Cast on the wall in front of me
And what am I running from?

What am I running from?

It's the grave of my former self; desecrated
which I can't stand to visit
Her open casket lies in the middle of the room
The lid cannot be closed
The wake can never end
Until I face her
And preform my own autopsy