Torn (Not This Time)

This feeling of uncertainty
aches within my chest,
pressing down on my
heart.
We should be okay,
he said we were fine.
You’re overthinking
everything.

Tears stung under my eyes.
Refusing to blink,
I press my lips tight
and wear a mask of
confidence.
Confidence in what?
Was this really worth it
anymore?

I focus on my book,
reading usually helps.
Not this time.
Music.
I can’t.
Running.
I freeze.

I collapse on my bed
Like a helpless animal.
My hands start
trembling.
with what? fear? insecurity?
I don’t know.

Those three words. I hate them.

THE three words.
“I can’t say them.”
My heart lurches and thrusts.
Warm tears flow down
my face like summer rain.

I am alone.
I will be alone.
I need to see him.
I need to know
for sure.
I pull myself together,
put on my mask
and jump in my car.
Hope.

Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe I’m off.
Maybe we’re still strong.

I knock on his door
and walk inside.
I’m not.

Complacency.
Coldness.
Crushed.

We both agree.
We’re done.