The Weekend
another one is over
i went home
now i'm going back
to finish the final week
of my first semester of college
it scares the fuck out of me
i'm a college boy now
and i don't feel any more ready for life
than i did when i stepped out of the bus
that morning that feels like two forevers ago
a new freshman in highschool
it's the beginning of december
driving past christmas lights
and into the 5pm sunset
reminds me of being a child
how beautiful it is
but through the eyes of this person, this stranger
the early darkness, the dirty snow, and the silent road is just depressing
i couldn't wait for this day
and here it comes
but it's not that great
it sucks
going to college is like going to war, at least for me
long hours of boredom
with moments of sheer terror in b/w
sheer terror of failing,
losing,
becoming a dropout,
living with your parents for the rest of your life,
working at mc donalds
or worse, taco bell
some nights, i just lay in my room and think of what i can possibly do to not be afraid anymore
if i'm alone, i'll masturbate
just to waste time instead of actually trying
if i have drugs, do them
because i don't have the will to do anything else
some nights, when everyone's asleep
it's like i can feel all of the pain in the world
as a brand on my chest
bile in my stomach
or the soreness around my eyes
and it's like i'm having a stroke
i can think but
my body wont move
nothing helps me sleep at night
it's like something snapped behind my eyelids or something broke inside my ears
i just focus on my headache,
focus on my pain
lay there and listen to the sound of the rain
or the voices that call my name
from the shadows that creep across my peripheral vision
i used to think i'd be someone special
someone great
or, at the very least, becoming the greatest writer in the world would be my fall back plan
but i fucking struggled to write this horrible poem thing
the only hate i have left is for myself
these are my darkest thoughts
because i can't even see what the fuck i'm writing
and now i'm wondering
has it only been this long
since i quit you
and started smoking?
i went home
now i'm going back
to finish the final week
of my first semester of college
it scares the fuck out of me
i'm a college boy now
and i don't feel any more ready for life
than i did when i stepped out of the bus
that morning that feels like two forevers ago
a new freshman in highschool
it's the beginning of december
driving past christmas lights
and into the 5pm sunset
reminds me of being a child
how beautiful it is
but through the eyes of this person, this stranger
the early darkness, the dirty snow, and the silent road is just depressing
i couldn't wait for this day
and here it comes
but it's not that great
it sucks
going to college is like going to war, at least for me
long hours of boredom
with moments of sheer terror in b/w
sheer terror of failing,
losing,
becoming a dropout,
living with your parents for the rest of your life,
working at mc donalds
or worse, taco bell
some nights, i just lay in my room and think of what i can possibly do to not be afraid anymore
if i'm alone, i'll masturbate
just to waste time instead of actually trying
if i have drugs, do them
because i don't have the will to do anything else
some nights, when everyone's asleep
it's like i can feel all of the pain in the world
as a brand on my chest
bile in my stomach
or the soreness around my eyes
and it's like i'm having a stroke
i can think but
my body wont move
nothing helps me sleep at night
it's like something snapped behind my eyelids or something broke inside my ears
i just focus on my headache,
focus on my pain
lay there and listen to the sound of the rain
or the voices that call my name
from the shadows that creep across my peripheral vision
i used to think i'd be someone special
someone great
or, at the very least, becoming the greatest writer in the world would be my fall back plan
but i fucking struggled to write this horrible poem thing
the only hate i have left is for myself
these are my darkest thoughts
because i can't even see what the fuck i'm writing
and now i'm wondering
has it only been this long
since i quit you
and started smoking?