Self Awareness

As I sit back lifelessly,
I watch the clouds float by.
I think of all the things I wanted to be,
Then I let out a long sigh.
It was all pathetic,
They weren't dreams but fantasies.
The mere thought of them makes me sick,
Filling my stomach with angry bees.
Who am I to wish for the light of happiness,
When all I know is the darkness of hate.
They say ignorance is bliss,
Just another pathetic thing to state.
Truth is I want it all,
Love, wealth, and even simplicity.
But what I deserve is to fall,
To fall into the void of insanity.
Maybe one day things will change,
As unlikely as that seems.
I suppose I should give myself an improvement range,
But I can't for I only receive death beams.
It feels like life is caving in,
And it's becoming too much to bear.
Asking for a friend isnt a sin,
Because I hate that fake smile I always wear.
I guess I just want someone to notice my pain,
And not turn a blind eye.
Someone to keep me sane,
Instead of trying to justify.
This isn't enough to kill me,
I won't be consumed by this.
Upon my return you will see,
Until then I must return to the darkness.