Brief Moments

I have depression,
Severe at that,
But even with that,
I can still smile,
Still get that brief moment of closure,
Of solitude,
Of pure happiness,
With my horses,
With that love.
I hold it close to my soul,
Hold it so dear to me I can't let it go.
But yet,
Once I go home,
Once I go to school,
I'm still locked away,
I still am sad,
I still can't breathe properly.
I hide myself,
I go away,
I don't become who I truly am.
It's because I can't.
I've lived a different life for so long,
I've been an adult for too long,
That once I can be a kid,
Be a good person,
Be who I truly am I can't.
It's not that I don't want to,
Because I truly do.
I truly want to live without pain,
But I can't.
I do ge those brief moments that I can breathe,
That I can do something else,
But it's hard.
I see her face and it slightly crushes me.
I wonder,
Does she really hate me?
Does she even care about me?
Does she even remember my last name?
Has she read the poem?
Does she know I've forgiven?
Does she know that I'm sorry?
Of course,
I'll never know these answers,
So I'll put on a smile,
Laugh a laugh,
Be happy on the outside,
Until I get to see my horses again.
Those fleeting moments,
I'll treasure for life and I'll hold them close to me once again.
I don't want to live life like this,
In the dark and away from those who care for me,
But I must.
They can't know what I really have,
What's really wrong with me.
So I'll whisper those secrets into my horse's ear,
He won't spread them into the wind,
He'll hold them close to him,
Nuzzle my side,
Pull me close with his nose,
He'll let me cry into his shoulder,
He won't judge me,
Applejack is the only one who really knows what I am like.