Why Mommy?

Mommy why is it always you I run away from?
You are supposed to be my savior
The one i look up to
The one I tell everything to
When I have no one else
Yet when I'm around you
I feel suffocated
As If you're smothering me in everything that you do
You want me to be your perfect little girl
The little girl you never wanted
I know you never wanted me
You even said it your self
Though you tried to make it sound like a joke
It shows in the way you regard my brother compared to me
How when you first found out that he was an alcoholic you wouldn’t believe it
You would not hear about it because to you it is impossible
Yet the day you finally saw the horror that he becomes...
It did not bring me joy
It brought me pain and tears that have not been shed in a long time
Because now you know that both of your kids are fucked up
And that there is not a single sane person in our family
And yet you still shun me before him
He is your everything
I am nothing
So this is why I push you away
This is why I don’t give a fuck about spending time with you
Because as soon as he comes back
I'm put away in the back of the closet
Forgotten until he leaves
Because then you try to fill the void with me
The void I have every day
When you want to mold me into something I'm not when he's gone
And then push me away when he's back