Swallowing My Sadness Like a Valium and Chocking Down My Tears Like a Shot

I'm trying to figure out why I can't just forget.
I'm trying to figure out why it even happened in the first place.
I'm trying to figure our why I do what I do to cope.
Why does it make me feel better when it's disgusting to everyone else.
Why is it beautiful to me when I do it in vain.
Why are the thoughts haunting me and bring this upon me.
Why can't you understand that you did this.
Why am I hurting so bad.
I can't forget.
I don't think I ever will.
I think the thoughts will haunt me forever.
I think I might break.
I think I already have.
Why do I feel suffocation instead of security.
There is a pain at my wrist, a pull at my chest, and a tear in my eye.
But I pull it back.
I push it away.
I hide it for the time being.
But it comes back quickly.
It haunts me once again.
I cry myself to sleep.
I wake again and paste on a smile.
A smile that is being pushed on by so many horrible thoughts.
A smile that is fighting to win over addiction.
I dream of relief.
I cry for security.
I fell in love and yet I fell in pain.
I'm a porcelain doll, ever so fragile, and I'm so close to cracking.
I'm beginning to grow tired so I'm giving up.
I'm trying not to care but I can't stop.
I'm swallowing my sadness like a Valium and chocking down my tears like a shot of vodka.