Between Two Worlds

I stood before Christofer's grave.
Gently placed a daisy on the ground above of him.

Daisys were his favorite flowers, he was such a hippie.

It would have been his 23rd birthday, I miss him so on this day.
I think it's sad how i'm the only one here to celebrate it with him.
It seems as if no one has forgotten, but they want to forget that it did.

No one knew what to do without him.

Not to forget him, just to forget that he died.
Tears stream down my face, I never wanted him to leave.
I will never forget him, nor move on. I don't want to. I can't, actually.

My lover, My soul mate,
most of all, My best friend.

Things have never been quite the same without him.

Now our house is so lonely, so dead. There's photos of him everywhere.
It's been 2 months.
And I still believe he's coming back.
No one can take him away from me.
No one.

~*

"Hey Jem, on my way home. Dinner?" He said anxiously.
His voice sounded so angelic over the phone.
"Dinner's ready, baby. It's a secret." I teased.

"You're the fucking best, I'm walking home from the office now, I left the truck there. It's cold but i'll deal. The roads are icy, too dangerous. I'll be home soon honey-dew. I have a present for you too. I love you."

He said before the line went white.

Special dinner, it's our 5 year anniversary.
5 years of being hopelessly in love, I still get those damn butterflies.
I got all dolled up. Lingerie under the dress.
Hair-curled, red lipstick. Just to drive him wild.

I sat at the dinner table and waited.

I waited.

And waited.

It seemed like forever.
Taylor runs into the house.
It looks like he's been crying. I'm confused.

"JEM, JEM, OH MY GOD. JEM. CHRISTOFER. HE'S DEAD. HE'S FUCKING DEAD JEM. I FOUND HIM, ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, HE WAS BLOODY. I-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I THINK HE GOT HIT BY A CAR." He broke down on the living room floor.

"Taylor, this isn't funny..."
He threw his arms around me. "Come with me, come with me. He's down the road. I'm so sorry, Jem, but this is real."

I still didn't want to believe it.

Threw shoes on, no jacket. Snow on the ground.
I didn't even feel the tears soaking my face.
I look at Taylor, still sobbing. This can't be real.
5 minute walk that felt like forever.

Until we found him.

There he was. On his side. The snow around him was red.

At that moment I felt my heart shattered into pieces.

I ran to him, knees on the ground before him. Hands cover my mouth.
I caressed his body in his arms.
In his hand, he held a box. That box had a diamond ring it it.

He died here all alone.

I didn't want him to feel alone, especially when he died.
Blood dripped from his mouth, I kissed his forehead.
Held his head to my chest. Waited 'till the ambulance came. Taylor's by my side.

My heart was broken.

Medics come to the rescue, I know that there's nothing that they can to.
Put his body into a bag, onto a gurney, into the ambulance.

I wish it was me instead of him.

~*

Home alone, cut myself off from the outside world.
A glass of red wine, a blunt, a boiling hot bubble bath.

I try to relax.

I started to cry, I need him so much.
I haven't been eating much, I sit in darkness, my eyes are sunken in.
Marijuana can't calm my nerves anymore.

I contemplate to start doing more drugs, I need a way to forget.

Pills to make me sleep, Herioin to make me feel good, Cocaine to make me feel alive.

Maybe I could overdose one day, to join Chris in the afterlife.
No one would miss me.
I haven't even talked to my family in years.

Chris was all I wanted, all I needed.

I know that there's a bottle of painkillers in the medicine cabinet above the sink.

I take one because I miss him.
I take two for our future.
I take 3 for my heartache.
I take 4 for my headache.
5 for my lonely, 6 for my sorrow, 7 for no tommorow.
8, I forgot what eight was for.
9 because can't wait to see you, Christofer.
Swallowed all down, with wine.
On the tenth one.

I swear to God, I heard his voice.

"Jem, fucking stop. Don't do this. Please. For me."
I followed his commands.
I must have been too high, I'm delirious.
Got up, got dressed, laid down on the bed.
The strangest thing must have happened, because,

It felt as if someone was laying next to me.

The same way Chris did.

I smiled for the first time in a long time.