Define Family

What is family 
Is it defined by blood ties
Then my family is consumed by greed
We are all destroying each other
With our disgusting lies

They scrambled my developing mind
They took away my choice
I don't even know what I am
I'm too little to know
And I've lost my voice

Replaced by dresses
Are the sport shorts I once wore
Ugly, little boy
You'll never be a man
If only they knew what was in store

Leave me with that negligent man
Uncle Adam would let me die
All alone in my grandmother's garden
Screaming what is now my mantra
The little things can make you fly

He says I'm too precious
He can not resist my charm
He says I brought it upon myself
So beautiful
He had to bring me harm

"You're a stupid boy, you are."
He whispers to me in the night
Repeat: I'm a stupid boy, I am.
I say it often now
So often that it feels right

Daddy died today
He blew his brains out they say
He had another family, you see
Almost got stuck with them and forgot about me
But I love him come what may

(Is all of my family insane?)

From trauma comes this duality 
SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS
I'm afraid of what's inside me
I AM YOUR PAST, SWEET DARLING
My body is now his

I'm split in two
The boy part of me lives inside
Anatoli! Anatoli! Blood red sun!
RED AS THE BLOOD THAT SPILLS
It's a habit that I hide

They've stolen everything from me
They tried to take my dreams
They pointed a finger, called me a freak
Forced me to turn to a blade for love
I'll swoon and sigh as it gleams

Tearing through my tender flesh
Let's see how deep I can go
Feel the solace of pain tonight
Salt water and pressure for the bleeding
Anything else I should know?

So beautiful to me now
It feels like precious art
Give me the motherfucking blade
I'll cut until I reach the bone
I'll bleed till death do us part

It's getting out of control
It's my breakfast, lunch and dinner
But it's the love I was never given 
I need it more than anything
It's food for a sweet faced sinner

WHAT THE FUCK AM I
SOMEONE CALL 911
JUST WANT TO DESTROY MYSELF
STOP PLEASE GOD STOP
Relax, Baby, I'm only having fun

HE'S PART OF ME NOW
I love you on your knees
YOU FUCKERS I NEED HELP
I'll kill you if you don't let me
No one can hear your desperate pleas

My dearest stepdad beats me to a pulp
For being a "stupid little whore"
They police come to our lovely apartment
If only they knew
I WANTED MORE

I'm being shipped off to another home
My birth certificate condemns me now
They'll hurt me in the boy's home you know
He tells me to give him a blow job
I'm not telling you why I know how

Some of the boys call me family
They touch me all the same
They tell me I'm just top beautiful
It seems that I've always had
Only myself to blame

I'm living with a foster family
They're quite precious people
I remember a white church on Christmas Eve
See all the people
There is the steeple

I came so close to having
The one thing I've always longed for
A loving family to care for me
Accept me in all that I am
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ANYMORE

I'm back in this little cage
MAMA NEVER LOVED US, BABY
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD KILL THEM ALL
I'm not like that! I'm not a killer!
They'll accept me one day maybe

I'm sitting alone in the skatepark
My eyes are glassy today
A steady trickle of blood rolls down
My soft, porcelain face
And I curse him in a million ways

A boy appears behind me
To my purse I cling
He moves around me 
And with quite the accent
"Well look at this pretty, little thing!"

I stand to make a mad dash
But suddenly my heart melts with his smile
He asks me if I am lonely
Promises me love
At least for a little while

He swears we'll be a family
Although he's not much now
He'll give me the greatest life imaginable
He'll work his ass off
And he'll get there somehow

So this is family
A lover to share
The gift of Christmas
I'm dancing giddily 
In the frosty air

It's too cold to feel tonight
And you know I'll never ask why
The love this boy promised me
Comes in colorful pills
Because they shoot me through the sky

It's the only way I escape the sun
Anatoli, the other me
I'm only a child and I didn't know
That he'd eventually want
My body he can't see

I tell him who I really am
Feel his fist erupt against my face
I thought that we could be family
I was a stupid little girl
All love is gone from this place

There is only pain
No twinge of happiness to focus on
The blood is pouring from my body
Perhaps the pain is one good thing
So I'll lay in wait for dawn

I wake up in a white room
Everything seems so pure
I don't deserve to lie in this bed
I'm too unholy
For a doctor's cure

Mother comes to say
With eyes do dark and cold
"I told you so, you little whore."
Don't children make mistakes
I'm only 13 years old

I never had much luck with love
And even less with lust
Whenever they get close enough to fuck me
With a hurting soul
Breaking up with them is a must

But this one's special I think
Unimaginable warmth lies in her eyes
She gives me a gentle caress
Promises me sweetly we'll fulfill our dreams
Words so beautiful can't be lies

A family of five
Us, two boys and a girl
I'm grinning with glee
Kent, Deon and Alice, our children
I can't wait to watch the future unfurl

So I tell her everything about my body
She promises she won't leave me
Instead she says to make a list of my parts
Should I charge a fee

My hand cramps with every word
My tears fall like rain onto the page
I hope that she'll see the wavy lines
In the notebook paper 
I'm bleeding on her stage

Bitch please, I know you're staring
As you're moving through my bed
You says it's an experiment
Do you know that you are torturing me
What's going on in your head

WHAT THE FUCK AM I
Look before it puts it's clothes on
I'M ONE IN A FUCKING MILLION
She pokes and prods
All love is gone

"Is this what intersex looks like?"
Fuck yeah, you dumbshit
"It's really weird, you know."
Then get the fuck out of my bed
I guess you can't see if the room's dimly lit

I made so many sacrifices
I even swallowed my pride
You promised me we'd be forever
I believed solely in you
I thought you'd always be by my side

"It can't happen anymore."
Simple as breaking a twig
Your mom found out, you say
I guess it's fine cause I'm a freak
To destroy me while you feel so big

Thanks for the apathy, Baby
It stings worse than your nails
Digging into my back as you fucked me
I try to make you notice
Every attempt fails

Moving on and staying strong
Yet I don't know who I am
Or where I belong

Falling in love and crashing hard
For the greatest boy I've ever met
We're both so broken but beautiful together
HOW LONG WILL HE STAY WITH YOU
LET'S MAKE A BET

Star! Star he calls me
It brings light to the name that is my cage
Life is seeming to look a little better
He's making me smile
He's quieting the rage

And then there's My Immortal
My big brother in the halls of time
Leaving his finger prints on my art
Supporting me every way he can
In the hall hangs his portrait so sublime

My Darling says we're like a family
My heart just skipped a beat
I don't want to give myself up too quickly
If I am much too trusting
I'll end up dirt under their feet

I tell them everything and I'm in awe
I finally got my choice
They accepted me for all I am
They love me for me
I'm finding my voice

Mom stole him from me
And away he flew
My only biological brother
Who has loved and cared for me through it all
I don't know what to do

Just because he's gay
My darling brother is cast away
I'm dying slowly inside, you know
Gale is my hero and without him
Can I live another day

I scream at the bitch
I throw things and curse
Her selfishness is nauseating 
My stepdad beats me
I know he could do worse

It reminds me of when I used to hurt myself
Oh how it felt so damn good
I don't want to hurt them
I can't do that now 
That they're the only people who understood

Never again I promise
I can't do this ever again
They worry because they can't help me
I can't do it anymore
Though it is my sweetest sin

Their kind words so full of care
Make me feel like there's a heater inside
They make me so happy
I can be myself
No more secrets to hide

It's a life I've always dreamed of
Just knowing that they care
Is enough to keep me smiling forever
And now I'm not afraid
Because they'll always be there

Thank you is all I can say
And I'll try, you know I'll try
To keep the three of us together
Because you unbound my wings
And are teaching me to fly