Trying to Find My Balance

As I sit here,
Placing letters on a website,
I'm alone,
Without a soul to talk to,

I put my words out there,
As a form of release,
Slowly becoming an impulse,
So I can put off what I'm dealing with,

Broken-heartedness,
Loneliness and fear,
Betrayal and lies,
Death and drugs,

They start eating away at me,
Becoming more and more real,
As I try and fight them off,
And repress them in my mind,

These things I deal with,
Are making me decay,
Making me sour and rotten,
With no silver-lining.

As I sit here,
Pouring my heart and soul out,
Using the words my brain puts together,
I just believe I am more pathetic,

I have not a soul to confide in,
All my friends and family,
Are demons wearing human suits,
They feed on my misery,

They'd rather get satisfaction,
From the power they can hold over me,
For every secret I give them to lock away,
Then help me through it,

So I leave it to myself,
Let my insanity increase,
As my problems overload my body,
And I start to collapse holding it all together,

I'm known as a monster,
A creep and a loser,
A freak and a ingrate,
For the stories and the way I hold myself up,

People have spread lies about me,
Warped secrets,
Rumors,
That got way too out of hand,

I keep my head down in the hallway,
Avoid eye contact,
I refuse to see the disdain and disgust,
Clearly visible in their eyes,

I listen to sad music,
And contemplate my suicide,
Feeling remorse,
For getting out of bed in the morning,

I often wonder where happiness can sprout from,
If the drugs really help,
Maybe a therapist or better friends,
Or a pure lover,

My skin is stained however,
From letting the depression take hold of me,
Become me,
Turning my soul black,

I am hurt and in pain,
Trying to find my balance,
To stand on my own and be a better man,
But for now I need help,
Not this relentless solitude.