Appearances

I'm incredibly confused, I don't know where to start
Which am I to follow; my head or my heart
The more I think about it, the less I understand
I trust fewer people than the fingers on my hand
But what I truly fear isn't them at all
For I know deep in my soul that I will be my own downfall
While I feign a face of innocence, modesty and trust
My heart begins to fade and my hopes begin to rust
There's a monster in my skin, selfish and cold
I ask for advice but never do as I am told
As if I'm already aware, not wanting to be right
Knowingly pretentious, I still complain about my plight
I always know the answer, much too greedy to act
I try to have it all to make up for what I lack
It's gotten me into trouble, I've hurt the ones who care
It's obvious the way I play is hardly ever fair
I do not posses the songs of sirens or the beauty of a queen
But I have a heart that's painted gold and secrets bursting at the seams
All along I have been weary, careful not to show
Holding to the knowledge that what you reap is what you sow
I am every thing I hate; my own worst enemy
I am at war with myself; fighting endlessly
I hope to, one day, be all that I appear
More than an ashamed face that's spilled too many tears
Or a blood stained wrist, forearm or thigh
Covered in scars that are impossible to hide
I just want to be beautiful, inside and out
So that what you see is what you get, no exceptions or doubts
Perhaps these thoughts explain the way I've been behaving
But honestly dear, it's from myself that I need saving