It's None Of Your Business

it's none of your business
if i don't care
if i'm preoccupied by his elbows
and his adam's apple
and the sideways smirk
and the way it plays across his teeth
or if i'm too busy in another world
where he's mine--
mine only
both of us are perfect
and he's a replacement for the real memories
of girls who treated me like shit,
girls i treated like shit,
girls with hazel eyes
and hot tongues
and thick pomegranate hearts
not the soothing green that he carries in a wave
agitating as it may be
balm that stings the wounds

it's none of your business
if i like him
you are an adult and you shouldn't care
it's just our teenager stuff
you can give me advice
you can laugh
you can plan our dates
you can mock my fake synesthesia
that doesn't make it your business.

it's none of your business
if i skipped that phase
where you'd rather kiss and touch and hug
than blatantly have sex

it's none of your business
if that's even a phase
or if everyone is geared straight toward fucking

it's none of your business
if i am nervous
all day, every day
because god forbid
anything ever possibly go wrong with him
god forbid he ignore me
god forbid we speak
god forbid i love him
god forbid i treat him like anyone else
god forbid

it's none of your business
if everything i do is really for him
because i'm motivated by hope
and a fresh shade of green
is in itself a fresh shade of hope

it's none of your business
if i look for every last damn excuse
just to touch him
he always moves away
asshole
because normal people aren't like me
and they don't need to touch people
to say 'mine
you can't have'
because he is somewhat normal people

it's none of your business
if he's the only reason i forgot to hate myself
if he's the only reason i forgot to kill myself
if he's the only reason i forgot to hurt myself
and all i do is fumble for words

it's none of your business
if he bridges the gap between alone
and slightly less alone
for me
because sometimes i trust him
and always i like to talk to him
everyone else is too scary
everything else is too scary

it's none of your business
if i want to erase everyone else
in the entire world
and erase the universe itself
and fuck him

it's none of your business
if i lead people on
and hurt their feelings
and turn around and complain to them
about him
and his everything
and his green and how i want to fuck him
everywhere

it's none of your business
if i hardly even know what sex is
because they don't teach you jack shit
in school
and i'm too scared to try
except i would if i were brave
and if i could
somehow
make him Like Like me

it's none of your business
if that's never enough
if that's why those pomegranate girls
didn't work
because i always need more
i am an empty void
and i need more love than one person
can possibly give

it's none of your business
if nothing about me is healthy
and i don't know what to do with myself
and he might get caught in this web
at least i try to care about him
when i stop talking
on
and on
and on
about myself

it's none of your business
if he reminds me why i hate myself
just sometimes
because they all do

it's none of your business
if i'd rather the universe didn't exist
the only reason being
we all feel too much

it's none of your fucking business
if i'm fifteen years old
existential
psychotic
obsessive
obnoxious
freaky
annoying
hopeless
careless
captive
terrified
befuddled
immoral
senseless
horrible
confused
wayless
rayless
argumentative
needy
sick
blasphemous
rebellious
upset
sexualized
dramatic
wandering
lusty
depressed
starry-eyed
meandering
fickle
melancholy
suffering
loud
arrogant
competitive
curious
spirited
weird
starved
ambitious
genius
powerful
crystal-clear
willful
furious
selfish
stormy
spectacular
golden
hopeful
alive
and in love with a boy.