Defeat

At 2:17 in the morning
I sit with a bottle of booze
and my cat
and I decide,
for the thousandth time,
to straighten out
and get my shit together.
I never succeed, though,
and now I realize
it's not the booze
or the nicotine
or the bloodletting
I'm addicted to.
I'm simply addicted
to the very idea
of destroying myself.