4:41
how you let your words fester
how you feel sadness deep in the marrow
of your bones
your therapist calls it "situational depression"
it's not in your head, not this time
not as it is as the prison
you keep yourself in the rooms
you don't let yourself leave
it's still chemical but it's mostly you
digging
your own grave
summertime comes and you lose
the ability to fall asleep
nightmares that you're running
and running
but they know where to look
and they want to find you
and they want to hurt you
ever since you were a child
you have been afraid of the dark
of what you can't see
try not to wince
try not to show fear
any sort of response
any sort of weakness
you want to be resilient
you want to be the roots that take gold
in the earth
you want to be that curve in the horizon
that never lets you forget
how we all connect
how there are no true endings
you read poetry and you realize
how fucking much
you want to be able to grab someone
with your truth
to make a connection you will never be aware of
to make somebody else feel a little less
lonely because that's what it's done for you
and you want somebody to give, keep giving
to stop bring so self-indulgent
and sad
and to be somebody wonderful
but isn't that so much to ask?
and who says your truth is worth it?
these half-asleep words of a girl who is afraid
of her own mind
the girl who constantly lets herself ache
who does not trust happiness
panic disorder/ocd/anxiety/depression
every single diagnosis
every green and white pill
every person who has made you feel weak
for wanting to help yourself
and we all mean the best but we end up
doing the worst
the contradiction, the human condition
to fail
to lie
to hurt
to want something impossible
to kill yourself trying
to kill yourself living
you meet a boy with blue eyes and blue veins
and he is beautiful
writes you a song but is too nervous
to sing you the words
and you love him but you are
the kind of girl
who self-sabotages, who always destroys
what she loves
the girl who will always be a burden
the girl who will love you too much
anyway
the girl that refuses to give up
crooked smile
crooked heart
the girl that will always be lacking
and who will always always
always
be waiting
how you feel sadness deep in the marrow
of your bones
your therapist calls it "situational depression"
it's not in your head, not this time
not as it is as the prison
you keep yourself in the rooms
you don't let yourself leave
it's still chemical but it's mostly you
digging
your own grave
summertime comes and you lose
the ability to fall asleep
nightmares that you're running
and running
but they know where to look
and they want to find you
and they want to hurt you
ever since you were a child
you have been afraid of the dark
of what you can't see
try not to wince
try not to show fear
any sort of response
any sort of weakness
you want to be resilient
you want to be the roots that take gold
in the earth
you want to be that curve in the horizon
that never lets you forget
how we all connect
how there are no true endings
you read poetry and you realize
how fucking much
you want to be able to grab someone
with your truth
to make a connection you will never be aware of
to make somebody else feel a little less
lonely because that's what it's done for you
and you want somebody to give, keep giving
to stop bring so self-indulgent
and sad
and to be somebody wonderful
but isn't that so much to ask?
and who says your truth is worth it?
these half-asleep words of a girl who is afraid
of her own mind
the girl who constantly lets herself ache
who does not trust happiness
panic disorder/ocd/anxiety/depression
every single diagnosis
every green and white pill
every person who has made you feel weak
for wanting to help yourself
and we all mean the best but we end up
doing the worst
the contradiction, the human condition
to fail
to lie
to hurt
to want something impossible
to kill yourself trying
to kill yourself living
you meet a boy with blue eyes and blue veins
and he is beautiful
writes you a song but is too nervous
to sing you the words
and you love him but you are
the kind of girl
who self-sabotages, who always destroys
what she loves
the girl who will always be a burden
the girl who will love you too much
anyway
the girl that refuses to give up
crooked smile
crooked heart
the girl that will always be lacking
and who will always always
always
be waiting