Breathe (Slam Poem)

I’m afeared of that fever that follows my dread,

(breathe)

afeared that every fucking thing I said
will never be enough.

(breathe)

I’m stuffed, I’m filled
with this feeling of un-fulfillment,
what I want is not at all what I said.

(breathe)

I tried so hard to keep it trapped in my head,

(breathe)

these demons are trampling
my morals and moreover
making my mind misconstrue mundane meanings.
Well-meaning, well-meaning?
I’m dreaming of fleeing
from everyone’s eyes,

(breathe)

one slip and I’ll die,
I’ll be out of the game I gave my heart for,
I have to be vague to preserve my name or
I’ll go insaner,
I’ll cover the mirrors,

(breathe)

they shatter my spirits,
my thoughts will get caught,
I know what I ought to see,
know what I’ve got to be,
forgive me,
forbid me from wanting to know,

(breathe)

to reap what I sow and keep what I take,
so shake my hands, they shake,
my voice quakes but I fake it
and take what I want.
Your taunting’s too late
but it’s haunting my daydreams,
they say dreams
are memories
and I dream of you.

(breathe)

I’ve had my fair share of diseases,
but please give me a chance to redeem it,
to seize it,
my seizures took advantage
to be more egregious,
so can’t you just teach us to manage it, bandage it,

(breathe)

while I still have a hand in it?
How am I supposed to speak with these damages?
And is this

(breathe)

the best I can be?
I’m reeling, I desperately want to be free,
and I’m feeling undressed
with my heart in your chest,
but as I’m crawling away
you said “(breathe)!
I am there for you!”

And you said it’s my choice
but you know that’s not true,
so I silenced my voice (breathe)
while you’re lathering on that collateral flattery
and provoking me with verbal assault and battery,
this bilateral casualty
doesn't matter to me, but see,
If we can be better than she is,
Jesus, (breathe)
So remiss of me
not to think of something small
that could fix it all without me
falling on glass,

I’ll pass on your tasks,
your circles, and “pleases”,
I’m freezing up, (breathe)
you won’t find me,
her words amass in my mind.

Now will you kindly
give me what I ask?
I’m loving her blindly,
but can’t (breathe) with this broken mask,

believing catastrophe
is the only path I can lead, (breathe)
as these memories bleed through the lines of my reality,
I’m challenging everything that I thought was the truth (breathe)
was a trick (breathe)
was a trap (breathe)
and I can’t—

(breathe)

And I fear that I can.