Longing

Why do I cry when I laugh?
Am I happy or sad?
The truth is, I don’t know.
I want to be happy,
Desperately so,
But there’s a dark void that weighs on my soul.
Every moment of happiness is followed by two of despair.
Every laugh, a tear.
I think laughter helps me cope,
To keep me from crying in sadness,
Every moment of every day.
The sadness ebbs and flows,
Sometimes weak,
Sometimes strong.
Sometimes it feels like I can’t swim against the ever flowing tide.
I’m drowning in my emotions,
Struggling to breathe,
To understand.
Why me?
Am I doing it to myself?
Is it my biology?
Or, is it a mix of both?
Do I just want attention?
Do I really need help?

Why is it so hard to understand?
Why can’t I interpret myself?
Isn’t that the one thing I should be able to do?
Explain myself.
Every night I dream of a different life,
Where I’m happier,
More accomplished,
Less lonely,
Loved.
Deeply, truly,
Loved.
To know that someone has explored every crevice in my mind,
But doesn’t shy away, or leave.
To know that even though I’m weird,
Dirty,
Complicated,
Emotional,
Bitchy,
Kind,
Intellectual,
Dumb,
And everything in between.
I want to know that someone will stand by me,
Forever.
No one in my life, even the people I love,
And love me,
Really know every part of me.
I have secrets,
Regrets,
Dreams,
That I keep to myself.
Dark desires that would create peace in my life,
But chaos in the lives of those that I love,
And love me.
So why do I laugh when I cry?
I guess the answer is I don’t know,
But that doesn’t mean I won’t ever know.