Untitled #0002
My dad once told me he was put on this earth to do something.
I never expected that to be me.
What’s so special about me?
Isn’t there more to do than make me happen?
You see he was crushed in a car accident around the age of 27 on hall road by a drunk driver in the winter months
I never knew what to believe when he told me an angel pulled him from that wreckage
Not his body
But his mind and soul
The jaws of life and over 50 reconstructive surgeries from the waist down could not have brought him back on that table like that angel did
He died 3 times
I was not alive when this happened my older brother was only 3
Or 4
And there is 13 years distance between our lives and I know that there’s resentment in him for me but he still loves me none the less and I him
Or I can hope he does, I can cling to the thought
Because when I was 15 he was the one to follow me into my room and ask me “why are you doing this? How are you doing this?”
And he watched me as I climbed atop my bed and reached up high to the shelves against my wall and pulled out old razors from behind a pink and white jewelry box that I had gotten for Christmas when I just was 7
When I handed him what was in my hand he took them from me and I started crying into his chest
He looked me in the eyes and said “I could never do what you’ve been doing. There were so many times I contemplated doing the same but I could never do it.”
And I felt stronger than him for a second
But not before hating myself, because how could I be stronger than him when I took blades to my skin when he was able to keep himself from it?
I never expected that to be me.
What’s so special about me?
Isn’t there more to do than make me happen?
You see he was crushed in a car accident around the age of 27 on hall road by a drunk driver in the winter months
I never knew what to believe when he told me an angel pulled him from that wreckage
Not his body
But his mind and soul
The jaws of life and over 50 reconstructive surgeries from the waist down could not have brought him back on that table like that angel did
He died 3 times
I was not alive when this happened my older brother was only 3
Or 4
And there is 13 years distance between our lives and I know that there’s resentment in him for me but he still loves me none the less and I him
Or I can hope he does, I can cling to the thought
Because when I was 15 he was the one to follow me into my room and ask me “why are you doing this? How are you doing this?”
And he watched me as I climbed atop my bed and reached up high to the shelves against my wall and pulled out old razors from behind a pink and white jewelry box that I had gotten for Christmas when I just was 7
When I handed him what was in my hand he took them from me and I started crying into his chest
He looked me in the eyes and said “I could never do what you’ve been doing. There were so many times I contemplated doing the same but I could never do it.”
And I felt stronger than him for a second
But not before hating myself, because how could I be stronger than him when I took blades to my skin when he was able to keep himself from it?