What Did I Do This Time

What did i do wrong this time.
Thats what i think in place of the words you all speak.
I wait for something to surface.
Forgetful.
Lazy.
Retarded.
Those are the words I've ingrained onto my soul. Spoken like a rushing river over cold stone cutting scars in the landscape that once was a heart.
Your ashamed of me.
I never do enough.
You never stop yelling at every little thing i do.
And then there is me.
I call myself many names, learned and tattooed over my body.
Stupid.
Retard.
Fat.
Ugly.
Lazy.
A shame.
Not enough.
Each word i form is another knot in the noose around my neck.
Another stroke against the sharpening stone wearing closer to my wrist.
Another pill in the bottle.
Another shot of vodka.
Each word i've learned from you. And you. And you.
You might've not made me kill myself.
But you made me want it.
And maybe just this once ill do what i want.