My Inner Self 8/30/17

I know you push me away
And treat me like shit for your own reasoning
You've been this way a little after i met you
Yeah I'll admit I fucked up being an asshole and dick to you

I never thought you would give me the time of day but you do when you make time to see me
I have demons of my own too that hold me back from feeling vulnerable and falling for women
My past haunts me it's hard to let go

I'd hate to think it's me but I feel my exes made me the way I am
From being treated like shit, cheated on, lead on, being teases and heartbreakers
I feel that I always find the same women or I create this with the women I choose to be with

I sadistically see a bit of them in you and it scares me to fully pursue you
No matter hot and turned on you make me
I crave you and you cloud up my mind
age is just a number 3 year difference

There's a part of me that wants you
There's a part of me that says run
There's something about you
A feeling I can't explain something I've not felt in years
You've awakened it whatever it is

You say I'm immature and I won't argue about that
You say you don't want anything but to be friends
You say so many things half of which you go back on all the time
Friends don't kiss, friends don't fuck, friends don't send each other nudes
But friends like you do all those things

Those things are great they're the highlight of my night and day
As well as the others who remain anonymous that get the same pleasure and enjoyment I'm not special and I'm also not stupid

The fact you do all this to me
Leaves me turned on and scared of you
I'd hate to compare you to my past
But I've learned from it by avoiding relationships
My longest relationship was 2 years
2 years worth of alcohol, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, feeling alone, being used, also the cheating, the lying, the tears and the fears I have of a repeat relationship

You are right when you say we don't know each other
You're the first person in years who makes me forget and feel vulnerable
I'm Not even sure I trust you fully
I miss you at times during the week

I hope you get your masters degree soon
Me working graveyard doesn't help my situation
But I can find time for you on my days off
But it's not guaranteed because I know you have a life outside of work

Sometimes I want to just walk away and stay gone
Maybe one day i will that way you don't have to put up a guard with me
Its hard being your friend when I'm attracted to you
I don't know balance I find it hard to control myself around you
Because I feel I'll always want more
Your kisses are like chips you can't just have one

I'm sorry it's one sided and not reciprocated
I just had to tell you so I can feel at ease
Not holding this inside anymore
I'll understand if you don't want to see me
Or have any sexual or physical contact
Everything you said Pushes me away for your benefit of whatever that may be

Sorry I'm not remotely close to what you need or want
One day you'll wake up next to some undeserving guy
With A Kid or 2 and wonder how you ended up there
I hope you find yourself and find happiness even if it's not with me