untitled

some days i feel amazing in my skin
i love my being and the vessel that i'm in
but sometimes in a spiral of thought
i feel that i am lacking...
that i am not enough
all these things i think i should be
comparing myself to (beautiful, amazing, wonderful) others
and wondering why i am not somewhere further on my journey
conflicted by the knowing
that i am exactly where i am meant to be
yet no where near where i expected, wanted or believed i should be
confusing
painful
am i holding onto something emotional; a deep seated pattern -
self sabotage, or unconscious belief that i am not actually worthy of having these things that i want
or am i trapped by the chronic pain of mental and physical illness
am i holding myself back or do i not truly want these things enough to work for them?
maybe i am lazy
or maybe i must surrender and know that where i am is where i am meant to be
should i go to sleep now? or stay awake and delve into the sea?
who knows where i am meant to be
sleepy and perplexed
jealous and content...
what the fuck?

a conundrum
by jacki