Story of a Depressed Person
Today everything went well.
it wasn't to much of a depressing day.
but one day i wish i was dead and that i dont get past 35.
it sucks cuz i feel haunted by everything that has happened and everything that hasnt happened.
Im to worried of the present.
of the past.
of the future.
i just wish it gone.
and Ivan just doesnt understand.
even though he says he does.
he doesnt.
im a liar, and i've always been one, it nothing new.
im a COMPULSIVE LIAR.
and it hurts.
there's been so many things i want to accomplish but everything is just held up inside my head.
like a two pieces of paper glued together.
they just wont tear apart.
and im tearing up on the inside.
theres nothing i can do
theres no one i can talk with
that feels exactly like i do.
and i know wut your thinking.
you want me to go get help.
but that aint gonna fucking work.
do this
do that
lose weight.
your to fat.
your not pretty.
you look like a girl.
wear a loose pants.
wear blue
be like all the other guys.
......................this is all coming out by itself.
my hands are out of control. they dont even know exactly whats going on.
theyre just feeling what im feeling.
they hurt.
they numb
they bleed
they cry
they rip
they kill
each key is being hit.
its times 100.
and now i've gone off topic and im just letting it out, im aware of all this
im aware of everything that goes on.
ive witnessed murders
crimes
robbery
love
ive witnessed hate.
ive seen myself.
i see myself in the mirror all the time.
and all i think is, if im really that horrible person in the mirror.
and i dont wanna feel that way.
im waiting for an unnatural thing to happen.
im waiting for my face.
my body.
to disperse into little molecules and nobody will see me.
i dont wanna be who i am.
i feel like im gonna explode.
i feel nothing.
i feel like crying.
i feel like commiting something i havent done to just prove what i can do.
and i know it sounds fucked up.
I DONT WANT FRIENDS.
I DONT WANT LOVE
I DONT WANT HATE
I DONT WANT YOU
i want to learn to love
to hate
to be who i feel without being judged
to let free.
go where i wanna go.
i want to be able to make friends and that truly like me.
not fake friends
REAL FRIENDS
...............................................................................................................................................
for once i want to let go and tell them to go to hell.
i want to runaway, forever.
hide.
be something know one has ever dreamed of, cuz that's how i feel
and i've repeated myself several times.
i wanna feel everything.
hear everything
touch everything.
be able to learn what theyre thinking
feeling
seeing
i wanna be able to do what you dont.
Im not normal and no one on this planet is.
But I just wanna experience.
And doing all that hurts.
I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE ANY MINUTE NOW.
And maybe that'll stop it all.........
I'd be so grateful.
Im paralyzed, reading my own words, feeling better to let it out.
Tears are streaming down my face.
Im..........a mess.
You wouldn't know. Of course. Haha.
Im tired of seeing.
Of hearing.
Of tasting.
I wanna lose all my senses and feel helpless.
But............
That wouldnt make much of a difference than i feel now.
Its the exact. Same. Feeling.
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON, HELP ME?
it wasn't to much of a depressing day.
but one day i wish i was dead and that i dont get past 35.
it sucks cuz i feel haunted by everything that has happened and everything that hasnt happened.
Im to worried of the present.
of the past.
of the future.
i just wish it gone.
and Ivan just doesnt understand.
even though he says he does.
he doesnt.
im a liar, and i've always been one, it nothing new.
im a COMPULSIVE LIAR.
and it hurts.
there's been so many things i want to accomplish but everything is just held up inside my head.
like a two pieces of paper glued together.
they just wont tear apart.
and im tearing up on the inside.
theres nothing i can do
theres no one i can talk with
that feels exactly like i do.
and i know wut your thinking.
you want me to go get help.
but that aint gonna fucking work.
do this
do that
lose weight.
your to fat.
your not pretty.
you look like a girl.
wear a loose pants.
wear blue
be like all the other guys.
......................this is all coming out by itself.
my hands are out of control. they dont even know exactly whats going on.
theyre just feeling what im feeling.
they hurt.
they numb
they bleed
they cry
they rip
they kill
each key is being hit.
its times 100.
and now i've gone off topic and im just letting it out, im aware of all this
im aware of everything that goes on.
ive witnessed murders
crimes
robbery
love
ive witnessed hate.
ive seen myself.
i see myself in the mirror all the time.
and all i think is, if im really that horrible person in the mirror.
and i dont wanna feel that way.
im waiting for an unnatural thing to happen.
im waiting for my face.
my body.
to disperse into little molecules and nobody will see me.
i dont wanna be who i am.
i feel like im gonna explode.
i feel nothing.
i feel like crying.
i feel like commiting something i havent done to just prove what i can do.
and i know it sounds fucked up.
I DONT WANT FRIENDS.
I DONT WANT LOVE
I DONT WANT HATE
I DONT WANT YOU
i want to learn to love
to hate
to be who i feel without being judged
to let free.
go where i wanna go.
i want to be able to make friends and that truly like me.
not fake friends
REAL FRIENDS
...............................................................................................................................................
for once i want to let go and tell them to go to hell.
i want to runaway, forever.
hide.
be something know one has ever dreamed of, cuz that's how i feel
and i've repeated myself several times.
i wanna feel everything.
hear everything
touch everything.
be able to learn what theyre thinking
feeling
seeing
i wanna be able to do what you dont.
Im not normal and no one on this planet is.
But I just wanna experience.
And doing all that hurts.
I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE ANY MINUTE NOW.
And maybe that'll stop it all.........
I'd be so grateful.
Im paralyzed, reading my own words, feeling better to let it out.
Tears are streaming down my face.
Im..........a mess.
You wouldn't know. Of course. Haha.
Im tired of seeing.
Of hearing.
Of tasting.
I wanna lose all my senses and feel helpless.
But............
That wouldnt make much of a difference than i feel now.
Its the exact. Same. Feeling.
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON, HELP ME?