The Things I'll Never Say

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Cause you're my brother
So I care
And now I'm confused
And I'm angry
And I'm sad
And I'm crazy
And I'm mad!
I'm mad at you
And I'm mad at me
And I'm mad at both of us
And people keep saying
I shouldn't be mad at me
That it's not my fault
But how can I not be?
I should have said no
I should have done something
But I didn't
I just shut my eyes tight
Pretended to sleep
Pretended it wasn't real
Pretended I couldn't feel
Not your hands
As they ran from my waist
Under my shirt
Up to my chest
Not your lips
As you forced a kiss
That I didn't want
And I didn't need
And I sure as Hell
Didn't ask for
I pretended it wasn't real
That I couldn't feel
But it was
And I did
And I hate you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Cause you're my brother
So I care
But you hurt me
You destroyed a piece of me
And I told no one
Could tell no one
Because you're my brother
Because it hurt too much.
Did you ever,
For even a second,
Stop to think
About someone other than you?
About me?
About what it'd do to me?
Did you?
About our father?
Your father!
About what it'd do to him?
About my mother?
About our sister?
What it'd do to them?
To our family?
When you hurt me
You hurt them
When you betrayed me
You betrayed them
And that made my pain
100 times worse
Because I hid it to protect them
Because someone had to think of them
And now that its out
Now that they know
I feel naked
Exposed
Raw
And I hate you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Cause you're my brother
So I care.
And Mandy
I had to keep you from her
And every night she was scared
And she wanted to sleep
In the middle
So I fought her
And she hated me
Thought I put her closer
To the monsters
Never realized
That I kept her
From the monster beside me
And she hated me
So I hated you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Cause you're my brother
So I care
But I feel wrong
And twitchy
And nervous
Whenever you're around
But I pretend that I don't
And I feel foolish
And stupid
Because it happened
So long ago
And I should be
Over it by now
But I'm not
Because I never faced it
I let it boil
And simmer
And stir inside me
And now my gut
Has become this place
Where anger simmers
And pain boils
And fear bubbles
And depression burbles
And I"m stuck
And I find myself
St-st-stuttering lately
Even with a normal
Innocent conversation
I st-st-stutter
Because now that it's out
I feel naked
Exposed
Raw
Scared
Even before it got out
I st-st-stuttered
Because I think too fast
Never let my mind dwell
In case it leads back
To all those nights
And now I hate you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Cause you're my brother
So I care
But because of you
There've been so many nights
Where I cry, cry, cry
Endless tears
My lullaby.
And I forgot
For two blissful years
My memories vanished
Blocked by a wall
Built by my brain
Protecting me
But that wall broke down
And I remembered
And the wounds felt fresh
And I hid it
Because you're my brother
Because it hurts
But it got out.
I told one person
Just one
And she told another person
And those two people saw me hurt
And they sought out help
And now it's out
Now our family knows
And now they hurt with me
And I'm so angry
And sad
And embarrassed
And scared
And worried
And a little relieved
And I hate you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I should hate you
But I don't
Because you're my brother
So I care
But now that it's out
I don't know how to face you
Because now that it's out
I can't just pretend
Can't pretend it wasn't real
And I'm so Angry!
And I hate you
I do
I hate you
But at the same time
I don't
Because you're my brother
And I'm so confused
And lost
And sometimes I feel
Like I'm still just eleven
Eyes squeezed shut
Blocking out the world
Like I'm still only twelve
Eyes locked tight
Pretending I'm not
Really there
And, God
How I hate you

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
But I don't
And it's all
Such a mess
And I'm so Angry
And I hate
Feeling like this
And I hate you
For making me
Feel like this
For making me
St-st-stutter
For making me
Scared
For making me
Feel like trusting is dangerous
For taking my ability
To freely trust someone
And no matter what
I think I'll always hate you
But at the same time
I won't
Because you are my brother
And that is what
Makes this so twisted
And messed up
And disgusting

And you know what?
I hate you
I hate you for every night
And for every day
That I had to pretend
And I hate you for every
Memory that came back
And I hate you
For every memory
Locked behind that second
Stronger wall
I do
I hate you
So, so much
So much that
I feel like it's
Eating away at me
But at the same time,
I don't
And it sends me into
Turmoil
Confusion
Distress
And sometimes I just
Want to scream out my anger
But I can't
Instead, I swallow it

So I'll say it once more
Because I feel a bit better
Each time that I do
I hate you