Falling For A Track Boy

The soft earthy smell of the grass
And a light sprinkling of rain whistling in my ears
But no
That's not what I'm listening to
It's the
Tap
Tap
Tap
Of shoes
Those shoes

I envy

And when I look at the body that moves them
It's insanity
My heart does not flutter
My breath does not quicken

But it's pure euphoria
I feel warmth spread across my cheeks
Endorphins and adrenaline course through my body
Just the sight

Just the sight is all I get
The voice that is carried with the body
That body
Never thrown in my direction

At one point it was
But no

No
No
No

My fault

The one time I assert my feelings
Is the one time I fall flat on my face
Only to try to pick myself up
And be stomped right back down

Maybe if I was better

Stronger
Prettier
Faster
Smarter

Better

I'm told
"You're not allowed to think that."

But it's the truth
I'm none of those
And maybe a little less

I need to give up
I've already lost