The Way It Ought To Be

uncertainty forever envelops me in silence
i’d rather not speak if my words
give me away.
this moment is no different,
and the multitudes of moments like this one
may have brought you the thought
that i’m frigid and unfeeling
but hopefully
you don’t have any thoughts of me at all.

your energy zings off everything all at once, everything in sight,
- despite your general façade of apathy.
i am nothing and nobody in comparison.
you have this tarnished,
yet golden aura
that brings forth brightness.
some days I don’t see that brightness in you,
the sight of the bright glowing tip of your cigarette
distracts me into believing that
you aren’t the anomaly i’ve come to believe you to be,
instead i see you as another high-schooler who likes to get high.
is it possible for you to be both?

so here i’ll stand, on this corner with you
a full five feet of distance between us because
if i tell the truth to myself, there is no denying that
we are perfect strangers to one another.
our words exchanged this year couldn’t outnumber
the number of miniscule cracks in the concrete beneath my feet.
i haven’t said a word and my focus dwells instead on the
peripheral scene of you exhaling smoke.

the yellow bus returns to our stop for the 180th time.
with heavy feet and heavy heart,
i’m up the steps and
making my way to the back
where i sit in my seat
and you sit in yours.
that’s the way it’s been every school day.
that’s the way it ought to be because i can’t expect this obsession to be a requited one.