June 13th, 2009 at 05:13am
Really loved it. It's got a different feel from the other entries I've read. (just checking out the competition! (It's just managed to make me jealous so far!!))
If you wanted con-crit then perhaps just extend it some more, and get Ben and Hailey together. Make her fear get worse and worse until Ben has to kiss her to stop her from utterly panicking. Then you could skip forward a good decade or so, and have them as a married couple, Hailey just watching the thunder and lightning out of the window, Ben coming over and smiling.
Sorry, I got caught up in your idea. I'm rather dreadful at getting plot bunnies!
Good luck with the competition!
i wanted to start crying... relly good job :)