July 23rd, 2009 at 11:58pm
REVIEW:
This sentence is a tad awkward here, "Stepping up on her toes again she took her hands and molded them his face, cupping it lightly, into the perfect shape of his cheek bones and there she stared back into the sea of passion and lust."
Maybe, molded them to his face?
I think you should insert the word lips in this sentence, "And so the cherry red touched, so briefly to the light pink that it could have been not nearly enough."
This sentence might be easier to read if you switch the places of these two words, "From the moment he set his eyes on what only could be a goddess he knew she was going to be his."
Nice feel for the story.
Simple, but very sweet.
Keep up the good work. :cute:
If it was, she knew now that she had it she’d die if it was gone. This sentence is awkward. I had to keep reading it to understand it.
They asked for more, just a little more, and she knew it. Maybe change this to- She knew they asked for more, just a little more.
Stepping up on her toes again she took her hands and molded them to his face, Again, awkward sentence.
The basic plotline of this is very good. The writing however is not. It doesn't flow very well. And the sentences are very choppy and hard to read. Your description doesn't describe much. Some of the things that happened were confusing to me until you flat out said what was happening.
Hope this helps a little.