oh and sorry for the spelling mistakes im on my phone haha
January 3rd, 2011 at 11:53pm
hello!
okay so i would like to start by saying this was a great story/one shot.
i like the idea of it, but i feel like you went fast and transition could be imporived as well as elongating and eleborating on youre ideas to get them across better and paint a picture in the readers mind.
also, you repeat the coloring and such of their eyes to many times. once is enought because we wont forget te color in a 1000 word one shot.
lastly, watch the tense you are writing in. for example there was one spot where it said something along the lines of "a smile appears on his face, praying and hoping she is talking about him." the is should be was. and other than that just work on the flow of youre writing. when youre raeding it should shouldnt have to think to much about how to read it.
i know that looks bad but its really not! i thought this was wonderful! and im looking forwad to youre other stoy. good luck in my contest! :)
