Stone Cold - Comments

*Comment Swap*
I really like this. It's a cute story and would definitely be something I'd read to pass my spare time. The only problem I really have is that when you introduce Vincent in chapter one, he seems a little too cliche for my liking. Make him seem a little more real if you know what I mean. I don't, something about his character just doesn't sit right with me. Other than that, it's a nice story. I don't see any grammar errors or anything so your good there. Update soon and keep writing! :3

I like the way this is starting. It has the right amount of comedy and I thought it was funny how cold Lydia is, but the banter her and Jace have with one another, but also adding Vince to the equation. So far I’m enjoying the story and can’t wait to read more. The descriptions are good, as is how everything so far is playing out. Especially the challenge with Vince and Lydia. It flows at a nice pace and doesn’t move too slow or too fast. Keep up the great writing! I’ll be recommending this story and following it.

(Comment on Pre-Dance Madness)
I can so relate to how she feels about wearing the dress, I too, don't wear dresses and the last time I did it felt so.... weird. And I know how she feels with Lilliana as well, as my older sister did that to me. The way you wrote it made it seem more realistic, it was really well done.

I like the idea behind this piece, I really do. And there's not much more I can critique that hasn't already been said. However, with the way your character's personality comes across, the writing seems a little immature. Lydia is a very withdrawn, mature person (or so it seems), and the way you represent the information doesn't seem right, at least not for first person.

If I were you, I'd stick to be more realistic. Personally, I've never seen women faint over men. Except Johnny Depp.... :P Also, most teachers probably wouldn't allow a lot of the stuff that goes on in your classrooms. Although, I can see where you're trying to go with it - Vince is a heart throb, and you want to emphasize it. I really do like your characters, though; they're very enjoyable to read.

Make sure you're editing (or using spell check), because there's a few tiny spelling mistakes.

(: Keep writing, and advance! You have a lot of potential, and I can't wait to see it.

I have to agree with Under the Stars, your layout is quite distracting. It is also very, very bright in a way that makes my eyes hurt if I look at it for too long. That aside, the story seems interesting, but I do have a few suggestions.

Firstly, the way you present information is a little strange. This is written in first person, and most people don't think blurbs about themselves. It is really a case of 'show don't tell' when it comes to your descriptions. Your first several paragraphs contain tons of background information and personal information that could just have easily been revealed slowly through your story, adding to the plot line and helping to build up your character. As it stands now, it seems a bit overwhelming and bland, almost like reading someone's profile on one of those teen dating sites.

Also, your word choice is a little off. I don't mean your grammar is incorrect (although, there are some mistakes) or anything of the sort, but the words you pick don't seem to flow very well. Several times I had to go back and read a sentence multiple times before understanding what you were getting at because I kept mentally tripping over words that didn't really seem to fit. It's almost a matter of personal preference, but I think her thoughts possess some serious dissonance from reading like a diary to suddenly reading like an online profile. She can go from detailing what is going on around her to ranting about Barbies and the way people treat her without any real buffer to assist your reader in the transition. For example, the following bit:

I can hear them whispering. I mean it's basically what I get to do all day. No one will approach me. No one will talk to me. Even the teachers won't call on me in class.

Yay, high school.

I'm sorry, allow me to introduce myself.

I just really do not see what you did there. Why did she suddenly skip from narrating her surroundings to breaking down the forth wall?

I guess this story just wasn't my cup of tea. I'm not really big on High School cliches anyways, and I can't get into your writing style. Everyone has there own approach, and other readers really seem to be enjoying this. I'm not trying to get down on your work, but I think if you take my suggestions into account, you'll be able to improve on your story. And really isn't that what everyone on Mibba's trying to do? Get a little feedback to get a little better. So yeah, keep going at it. ^.^

The layout is kind of distracting for me. I like the story line though, and Lydia is really finny sometimes. I like the way she glazes over, the way you wrote this is very different than most stories about similar things.

You have an interesting main character and I like her narration. In chapter 5, you used the wrong form of there at one point, but that's the only error that really stuck out to me. I like your story and the way it's flowing so far. So, good job.

This is an amazing story. The layout is beautiful, and it matches the storyline perfectly. I love the use of detail and description used throughout the story and the main character is a very strong girl and she is very interesting. The story flows very nicely. It is a fantastic story, please continue it and update!

I get an idea of where you're coming from. Oh, and those lyrics...I've never heard of that song, but I'm looking it up on iTunes. Anyways, I like this, Haley:D Keep updating! This is one story I don't want to miss:D

Me and her have so much in common when it comes to moms and dresses.
Haha love it so update soon!

I kno exactly how she feels, my mums always telling me to care more about my appearance :P love the update

Loving this :D you have to update again soon

Please update soon! I like this very much ^.^

I like it Good Job... U better write more i was upset when it ended