Oceanus Origins - Comments

Yoyoyo, here from comment swap!
Well, firstly, your five year old chapter sounded about right to me. That's what my little brother sounded like at that age. I don't know why it would sound odd. I did get a little distracted by the use of shall, but I think that's probably an Americanism. I actually have the opposite issue that a lot of people have; I think that there's too much description that's all sort of chunked together. You've got a really interesting story here, and it's a pity to be transported out of it by these unwieldy chunks of disposition.

Hi Everyone. I am sorry but my laptop broke a while ago and I haven't been able to fix it till now, its been playing up really badly and last week it just died and I hope you can all be patient with me while I sort a few things out with it and then I'll be trying to sort this story out ASAP.

I am also looking to start another series for the DC universe world... I have become a massive fan of the series ARROW with Stephen Amell and I have got series 1 on DVD so I will be adding my own character ot the series :-)

@ ShuperGurl13
Lol, life gets in the way at the moment as I'm very busy. But I've had a quiet time so I worked on the chapters. And I will be busy from the 20th to the 28th December so there definitely won't be any work over Christmas, though the 29th and 30th there will probably be something. I'll have to see how much 'me' time I get as I'm barely on my own any more :-/

Yeay you updated. Great by the way. Can't wait to read more. :). This time try not to wait forever though ok. ;)

Hi, loving the story so far! Great idea you have here. Reminds me a bit of my story "call of the waves." I don't see anything wrong with the five year old chapter, it sounds exactly like it's written by a five year old, and anyone who thinks otherwise has not been around enough small children. As for description, yes maybe it could do with a bit, but I understand you point of how it's written from someone's point of view so it's not really necessary. The one thing I can say, is although the story line is good, it seems a little rushed. I know that you are trying to move along quickly, and I've had people tell me the same thing on mibba about my story so I completely understand. Just try to show and not tell. Also (this bugs me for some reason just because I'm an archer) in your fourth chapter "hate" you say: "Right now, I was watching my bestfriend arch." Arch isn't a verb so it doesn't make sense. "I was watching my bestfriend shoot" would be correct. Overall, good job with the storyline, lots of people seem to love your story which is great. Keep up the good work!

Hi, loving the story so far! Great idea you have here. Reminds me a bit of my story "call of the waves." I don't see anything wrong with the five year old chapter, it sounds exactly like it's written by a five year old, and anyone who thinks otherwise has not been around enough small children. As for description, yes maybe it could do with a bit, but I understand you point of how it's written from someone's point of view so it's not really necessary. The one thing I can say, is although the story line is good, it seems a little rushed. I know that you are trying to move along quickly, and I've had people tell me the same thing on mibba about my story so I completely understand. Just try to show and not tell. Also (this bugs me for some reason just because I'm an archer) in your fourth chapter "hate" you say: "Right now, I was watching my bestfriend arch." Arch isn't a verb so it doesn't make sense. "I was watching my bestfriend shoot" would be correct. Overall, good job with the storyline, lots of people seem to love your story which is great. Keep up the good work!

I like where this is going, and I think I've become an official Lionel fangirl ;3

There is not enough ghost rider stories out there. I love this so far, update soon ok.

Lol rosemarys rod and cushion description made my day xD I think your description of the characters surroundings and feelings needs a little improvement but besides that I enjoyed it :)

Oh my gosh I'm in love. I love anything Avengers and I don't know why I don't see more people using X-men's mutants more! Kudos! I have to say I disagree about your "to the point" style of writing I actually prefer that. Some people can spend forever talking about how great they're character looks. It's funny, I have a character that's fairly Goth named Raven!

Here from Le Comment Swap.
I'm not a fan of the Avengers, well actually I can't say that, I've just never seen the film, so at times I was a little confused, but never the less I read on. This is well written, mistakes here and there, but nothing overly substantial. Your descriptions are alright, maybe a little improvement, them seem to be short but very straight to the point, and one thing is for sure, you need more of them! All in all I liked this, nice piece.

Interesting story. The idea is good.

I came from comment swap too, and I really like the idea you have here! You're a good author, but you you could work a little on being more descriptive, and going into more depth. All in all though, I really like what you have written so far, and I don't regret reading one bit of it. I hope you continue it soon, it's got a really great plot!

Hey I came from the comment swap and they gave me a gem!! I love this already, it is so exciting, however, sometimes your tone is a little confusing. It goes from proper English to a normal teenager, and because of that, it is not always believable. I love the idea, I find it brilliant, but the characters aren't fully developed. Actions speak louder than descriptions when it comes to character. Also more description of surrounding, metaphors or similes can add so much to your story. All in all it is very enjoyable and I'm proud to say I've subscribed. I can't wait to see more!