Come Die With Me - Comments

My only real critique so far is to be careful, especially with commas.

Though the story as it stands now is very short, what you have here is gripping. Your descriptions give just enough information, and going from the prologue to the first chapter is jarring- in the most delicious way. In short, I think this piece shows real promise.

This is a great start to what I’m sure is going to be a very emotional and powerful story, especially that first chapter. Even if he’s on death row, I really felt for the narrator, and man, your descriptions are solid. You paint such striking images in my head, especially in the end of the second chapter. I’m really curious to see what happens next, and keep up the great work! :D

This story is really good. I love how you wrote the summary, it's fantastic! Definitely got me interested to read these chapters. Love how the story is going so far and it's a great idea. Keep updating!! x

I'm a bit confused by the sudden switch between chapters one and two, but I did thoroughly love the first chapter. I find myself extremely curious as to where this will go! The interaction between the doctor and the inmate was powerful, and I felt myself almost physically taken aback when his hand on her shoulder got him a night stick to the gut. His emotion was tangible; and the uncertain way he speaks and thinks about himself is disconcerting and moving at the same time. It allows us readers to feel the unnerved sort of reckless emotion that he's going through - I'm told I'm a killer, but am I? How can I be sure if I don't remember?

His grief and sadness towards being so close to his "time" were also very realistic and very emotional - did you purposely go through the stages? The young girls preparing for the train ride was an interesting jump from such a deep, dark, and intense first chapter, but I find myself eager to see where the rest of this story leads. Thank you for the read, please continue!!

Wowzers, this is a fantastic idea. I got to the end of the first chapter and you ended it on such an intense note that I was disappointed to see that there wasn't actually another one. But yeah... this is a really interesting storyline; different to a lot that I've seen before. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes but I think that just by proof reading you'll be able to pick up on them! The only thing that I do have to say that's constructive criticism is that I'd be careful with your realism. The psychiatrist or doctor seemed to be a bit out of line with the way she interacted with your character, but I'm not sure whether you're planning to explain that later. Otherwise... this is a really great story and you should be proud of your imagination and writing talent. (:

want more!!!

It's very good.

@ DarkMystique
Don't worry I don't mind I was always terrible at my writing and such hopefully I'll get better at it thank you

A few corrections;

10th paragraph: "Please(comma) how many times have I told you (to) call me Jude, and I just came to say goodbye and that I wish we could have (met) under different circumstances(full-stop) You are quite an interesting person."

13th paragraph: "You know what they say(comma) looks are deceiving."

26th paragraph: "Excuse me(comma) Ken{comma) do you knwo what time it is?"

There are a few more but I think you could proofread it and do some of your own corrections, they're just small like the ones I've pointed out, but it's up to you. Sorry, I hope you don't mind. :)

Other than that., I really enjoyed reading chapter one. It was a good effort. The only weakness is the punctuation.

The Summery was very intriguing and grabbed my attention, so well done on that as well!

I think this story has a good future, yay!

@ thechrysalids
thank you for your insight i am fairly new to writing and i will take your words to heart

Oh and one more point I forgot to add. when writing dialogue try to refrain from using one line dialogue. It makes for a very rapid fire story telling device the isn't very easy to read. The key is to take time developing your character's personality in the way he or she interacts with others, one-liners make it fairly hard to do so. Again Great Work!

An amazing plot and I'm definitely interested to see where this is going, Work on your punctuation and this story couldn't be better! Great work!

What a great summary at the beginning; very eloquent and attention-grabbing. I think you've written a character with a very interesting perspective that is kind of disturbing and sad - an inmate on death row for crimes he doesn't remember committing? :( Also, really superb ending! You know that he's about to die, but you don't ACTUALLY know because ... gah, great job.

This is great stuff.

Comment swap~

Oh my. The summary was spooky and drew me in instantly. I love the plot of the story, a man on death row. So creepy and eerie in a way. The layout had an amazing touch, I didn't even notice it until I was almost done reading the prologue. I can't wait to see more of this, you have a piece of work here.

Wow. this story is wonderful, I cannot wait to read more:D

@ Angelus91
give me your info in a message!

@ dream'n.reality.
You would have to make the layout because I have no idea

I didn't know you liked to write! It's actually quite good! You should go to stories and then click layouts so you can have a layout or I can make one for you!