December 19th, 2016 at 03:03am
Hello! So, by searching for completed stories, I came across to this one, and I will be commenting chapter by chapter so you can see my reactions and what my thoughts are. Here we go! :D
Let me start with the layout and summary section. You need a layout but it's okay like this too. I can make you one if you like. As for the summary section, it didn't really pull me in. It was blunt but it seemed like a note type of thing a fifteen year old would write. It would be better if you rewrote it.
Chapter 01: There's not much description in the first chapte and even the mention of the ones she knows is dull. The rest of the chapter seems pointless to me, but I did enjoy the start of it.
Chapter 02: For the first part of the chapter, that was Alex, right? Her ex? So, another ex at the second part? I guess what goes around comes around. Nice touch there! *thumps up* At the third part of this, Oliver's words and actions hurt her so much that she had to go and fuck Alex? Cheap!
Chapter 03: She goes back to him for sex or is she in love with him? The feelings don't come across, they're not clear. I enjoyed the scene at the end. Playing with another guy to piss off her ex when she's still interested of. Low standards? That was a great question coming from his mouth. Nice one! But why didn;t she follow him back home?
Chapter 04: Smiling because you know your bestie is doing the same thing is a nice touch. It shows how close she feels to her. Fuck a teacher instead of Alex, seems like a joke, right? Drugs are bad though.
Chapter 05: She decides to sit with him and instead of keeping up the conversation she seemed to like, she gave him the pills and played him to the point of cumming? Yea right!
Chapter 06: This chapter was different from the others. It felt like I was really reading a story. It had enough descriptions.
Chapter 07: We can clearly see that Alex still cares so why did they break up in the first place? Who intiated the break up? He gives her something to eat, goes after her, takes her back to his houseto make her eat food, and he also asks her not to leave him. Seems ideal?
Chapter 08: Somthing tells me that they won't be able to give up on the ones they really want; Alex and the teacher.
Chapter 09: She hurt him! Why is she doing this? She doesn't even really like Luke. Poor Alex!
Chapter 10: He wants her, he really does, so why? Nice scene by the way, though its short.
Chapter 11: Why the fuck should she be pissed off about Alex? She brought this upon herself.
Chapter 12: If its not about being thin, then why? You haven't showd us something deeper about this.
Chapter 13: Anorexia, right? She needs help.
Chapter 14: Luke doesn't know about the pills/drugs? And he also thinks she's eating like her bestie? Lies and secrets, this won't go well.
Chapter 15: Eating then throwing up, that's her trick. She doesn't even like Luke and even his words hut her because he doesn't know what she does to herself. Alex is there, but she's the one who pushed him away.
Chapter 16: Okay, an anxiety attack and the teacher knows about the amphetamines. Fuck!
Chapter 17: She gets away because she knows of the teacher's relationship with her best friend, okay, but again we see Alex? They speak and everything like there's nothing wrong? Weird! They do have a sick relationship if you ask me.
Chapter 18: Marissa is right. Their relationship is at risk; a teacher and a student. Luke telling her she's perfect must have had the opposite effect on her.
Chapter 19: Luke shouldn't have reacted like that. Where the hell is she going dressed like that?
Chapter 20: Where the hell are her parents? Family? Alex hepls her again, he really is her saviour and she's ditching him, pushing him away and for what?
Chapter 21: They end up sleeping together again because they are incapable of staying away from each other.
Chapter 22: I'm glad she got her besti back. It was the right thing to do, to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
The rest of comments, next time!
Thank you so much for the feedback. I wrote this quite a while ago over the span of a year so the writing quality gradually improves. I've actually been meaning to completely re-write the first 20 chapters as I don't think the quality is great