September 28th, 2009 at 08:07pm
For starters, the banner was absolutely gorgeous. I just thought I'd mention that. It gave me a good feel of the story.
The imagery of the first few bits was stunning. The way you worded everything made me feel what the character was feeling. It's always when you have emotion behind your words. You captured that great here.
Sitting in the hay the small talk didn't matter. I wasn't exactly picturing hay. The first bits lead me into a more romantic setting. However, the hay made it a bit more original.
One thing I might want to mention, as you kept going, you kind of lost the imagery. Which isn't super bad, I just liked how had it, and I would have liked to see you continue with the image. Though, it doesn't make your story and less amazing without it. It just seemed very choppy and out of order. But it slightly works that way.
As you continued and heartbreak become visable in the sotry, I could feel that heartbrake. Kind of like my girlfriend was breaking up with me. Which is so not a great feeling. But it's amazing how you could make me feel like that through your words.
But you crossed your name out in my heart. This line seemed a little cliche. It fits, but it was a bit cliche.
And every time I think about way, I think I am better of still, but I never thought I would be here without you Your ending lines were great. Just another little bit I thought I'd point out.
I'm sorry this review is so short, but the story is short so there isn't much I can say.
this writing :D i can' t wait to read more of your stories