I just started reading this story and I'm quietly waiting for the next chapter...okay, maybe not quietly. MORE...please. ;}
November 6th, 2008 at 05:31pm
For Story/Review Game:
Chapter One
When I started to read, the first thing I noticed is you are not a sugar-coating writer. What I mean by that is that you tell it as it is, simply how it happened, without overdone description and as if you're right in her mind, which makes it more believable as a schoolgirl character wouldn't necessarily use elaborate language. The fact that it's in 3rd person is brilliant because you can look at both characters without having to switch 1st person point of view, which can get annoying in stories when done frequently and inexpertly.
I'm usually a lover of one liner openings, but yours didn't have nor need it. Delving straight into her feelings and the description of the diary was a great way of introducing the reader to the character and you see how important the diary really is to Lacey.
I liked the way, from Amy's perspective, you capitalised the insulting names, like 'Freak'. It made Amy's view of Lacey seem really strong.
Another thing I also noted was the repetition of the name Lacey. Now I know it's imporant to distinguish characters when talking in 3rd person especially when they are of the same gender, making it hard to use 'he' or 'she', but I felt you could have integrated some description in there for a double purpose - eliminting repetition of names whilst adding information. For instance, if Lacey had brown hair you could have said, '...probably more gossip about how weird the outcast brunette was to her little cronies'. It paints a better picture for the reader and could be something you can try in further chapters. (:
One final, little thing that I'll say (being the picky thing I am) were a few mistakes that I'm sure you can learn to erase over time and every writer does at some point:
- Use of the semi colon in the first line: ... diary closed; sighing in relief should just have had a comma to make it flow better. The semi-colon is only used where a comma or full stop could be inserted. To use a semi colon the second sentence would have had to have been something like, She sighed in relief with the knowledge that she was the only one who knew what was scratched onto those sacred pages - but even then, it's better left as a comma.
- Her insides froze when Amy talked to her that way. She knew it was worthless, but she looked away. I don't think the word worthless is the right one to use; I would have put useless or pointless.
Forgive me if I've been very picky, it's just a part of who I am and I believe reviews should be just that, a review, not constant praise with no con-crit. I know I love it when people tell me what I can do better. But the mistakes are minor and you have an overall great story here. Keep writing, well done. (:
