Killing Jar

Seven Months Later

It was the last day of the tour. For my band anyways. People had thought I was crazy for even going on tour while I was pregnant, but I felt it was something I had to do. I didn't want to just disappear from everyone's lives like I usually did.

I was currently warming up. I was to be on stage in an hour. My band was opening for Panic. They had decided to continue their recording and tour as normal. They knew that it was what Ryan would have wanted.

"Ready?" Brendon asked me, walking into the room I was warming up in.

"Almost," I said, smiling at him. Brendon and I had been able to stay friends. "I'm performing a new song."

"On your last performance?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I said. "It's just something I need to do."

Brendon nodded his head.

"Well," Brendon said. "I need to go get ready now so I can watch you play. Just make sure you're careful."

He eyed my baby bump for emphasis. I laughed.

"I know," I said. "Now go get ready."

He smiled at me before leaving me alone again. I hadn't told him that the baby I was carrying was Ryan's. I hadn't been able to find the right moment to say it. Maybe I'd just wait until he questioned who the father was again.

I knew the baby I carried was going to be a boy. My doctor and my father had both informed me of that. I already had a name picked out. I was going to name him Ryan.

"Ava," one of my band mates said, interrupting my thoughts. I looked at him. "Ready?"

I nodded my head and stood up.

I walked onstage with my band to loud cheers. Our band had become quite popular already. I stood in front of the microphone, taking it in my hand.

"Hey," I said into the microphone. Loud cheers. "We're Killing Jar."

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"So, as most of you know, tonight is our last show," I said into my microphone. "And I have a sort of gift for you. We're going to perform a new song. I wrote it about someone I lost several months ago and who I loved very much. It's called 'Sorrow.'"

The crowd screamed loudly, excited to hear the new song.

"Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by his angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come"

I didn't think performing this song would be as emotional for me as it was turning out to be. I fought back the tears that had been building up throughout the song. The crowd was screaming like crazy but I didn't even feel like I was there any more. I barely heard myself say 'Thank you' into the microphone. Before I knew it, I was off the stage.

I held back my tears as I sat and watched Panic from backstage.

I didn't allow myself to cry until Brendon had come to wrap his arms around me, pulling me to him. I buried my face in his shirt, grabbing a fist full of the fabric as well.

"That song was amazing, Ava," Brendon said quietly, rubbing my back. "Ryan would have loved it."

I couldn't say anything and continued to cry. After what felt like a long time, my crying started to quiet down. Brendon and I were left hugging each other. I felt like I was holding onto him for dear life. I loosened my grip a little, relaxing slightly.

"Ava?" Brendon asked.

"Yes?" I answered quietly.

"The baby is Ryan's isn't it," Brendon said quietly. I froze slightly. How did he know?

"Yes," I said quietly. I looked up at Brendon who was nodding his head. He looked down at me.

"I want to help you with him," Brendon said.

"You don't need to," I said.

"I know," Brendon said. "But I want to."

I looked down.

"You're too kind to me Brendon," I said. "I don't deserve to have help with the baby. I don't even deserve to have your friendship."

"Yes you do," Brendon said. "I'll be honest. What you did to me was pretty shitty, but at least you made Ryan happy before he died. That's gotta count for something."

"I don't know," I said. "I still shouldn't have cheated on you. God, I still don't even know why I did it. It's not something I usually do."

Brendon sighed.

"How about we just start over?" Brendon said. "The past is in the past."

"True," I said. "But the cast can always come back and bite you in the ass."

"Ava," Brendon said.

"What?"

"Just shut up," he said. "I've forgiven you and that all that matters."

I sighed.

"Fine," I said. Brendon smiled.

"Good," he said. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Things will get better. You'll see."

"You're probably right," I said.

"I'm always right," he said. I smiled at him and he helped me up. He gave me another hug. "I'll always be here for you when you need me, Ava."

"You promise?" I asked.

"I promise."