Love Is Watching Someone Die

Frank was sick and tired of sleeping and lying in that uncomfortable, plain, white hospital bed. He was informed that apparently his mom had come by when he actually was asleep, and he felt sort of bad because he hadn’t spoken to her yet. Knowing her though, she’d probably over react and make a big deal out of this, hire a lawyer, sue the kids that beat him up and stuff like that. He knew his mom too, too well. Though, he didn’t have anyone to talk to or to chat with, only his own thoughts that he was fed up with as well. He could barely take it, thinking of Gerard and Mikey and everyone else. He watched the clock, ticking back and forth, back and forth, only to find out that it was three o’clock. He wondered if Gerard would come back to visit him today. He really needed to see him, talk to him, and tell him he loved him. That, and so he wouldn’t bored out of his ever loving mind.

Minutes later, there was a soft knock at the door, “Frank?” a muffled voice said through the metal of the door.

“Yeah?” He realized that he was actually able to speak up again.

“You have some visitors. Do you want to see them?” The voice of the nurse was barely heard through the door.

“Uh, who are they?” He asked flatly, hoping it wasn’t his mother.

“Mikey and Gerard.”

“Oh! Okay!” Frank smiled suddenly. “C’mon in.”

“Hi Frankie.” The voice carried out smoothly, and immediately, Frank’s eyes became lighter.

“Hey.” Mikey said as well, following Gerard inside.

“Gee!” Frank squealed, then coughed a few times.

“Hey, dude, take it easy.” Gerard said, taking a curl of brown hair in his fingers and running his hand down Frank’s bruised cheek. “How are you?”

“Bored… restless… hurting…” he answered, “How about you?”

“Worrying about you babe,” he smiled. Gerard was skeptical about telling him about the frequent headaches and pains he had been experiencing, not wanting Frank to be even more worried about him.

“You’re such a kiss ass,” he giggled a high-pitched laugh that Gerard absolutely adored.

“Aw, even when you’re sick you’re still snappy.” Gerard gave him a light kiss on the forehead where the bandages were not.

“How many stitches you think I got?” Frank was curious.

Obviously, Mikey and Gerard had no clue. “Um, I don’t know. No one said anything.” Mikey mumbled, trying not to feel awkward between the two lovers.

“Oh…” Frank noticed Mikey’s expression and tried to cool it.

“Do you want me to stay here Frankie? ‘Cause I can for a bit.” Gerard offered.

“Only if you want,” Frank gave a sigh, trying to sound indifferent so Mikey wouldn’t feel so left out.

“Frankie, be honest.” Gerard stared into his eyes, trying to hide the pain in his own. As much as he could, he was avoiding all the needles and other things attached to Frank. It was freaking him out, but at the same time, he wanted to cry for Frank and make sure he got better.

“I’m gonna grab some coffee,” Mikey yawned, “I’ll see you down there okay Gee?” The awkward feeling was a bit too much for Mikey, and he was also feeling a bit sleepy.

“Yeah, sure Mikes.” He nodded and his brother left.

“Now, answer my question babe,” Gerard placed his hand on Frank’s.

“Yes please,” he said in a small voice, loving how much care Gerard would give him.

“I can’t believe I almost lost you… like, it was all my fault Frankie… I wasn’t there for you at school…” Gerard started to ramble pointlessly.

“Gerard, no. It wasn’t your fault.” Frank tried to hush him; “I don’t want you to hurt yourself over this.”

Frank’s sore and aching arm gripped Gerard’s their fingers intertwining and a tear rolled down Gerard’s pale cheek. They were just looking into each other’s eyes. Hazel-green and golden-green, their pain, sadness, joy, and everything else was reflected. They were finally alone again, but Gerard could barely focus on anything but Frank. “I love you so much Frankie,” Gerard whispered tenderly.

“I love you too…” Frank tried to smile a little bit.

“When are you going to get better?” Gerard sighed.

“Weeks… my arm will heal in six weeks and I don’t know about the cuts… they said the stitches would be out by Friday…”

“You know I’m here for you always, right?” Gerard leaned over Frank gave him a soft, feathery kiss.

Frank returned it as much as he could without feeling immense pain, “Yeah, I know.”

Gerard realized then how horrible Frank looked lying there, almost helpless. His skin was paler and felt icy to the touch. His face had purplish-gray bruises and his brown, curly hair lightly covered some of it. There were bandages around his head and a large cotton pad attached with medical tape to his neck. Along his arm ran an IV needle, along with other things Gerard would rather not look at. But the thing that was most mesmerizing was that there was a still a smile on Frank’s face, despite his condition. His eyes were light and his soft pink lips curved into a perfect smile.

“God are you beautiful,” Gerard muttered.

“Even when I look like this?” Frank questioned.

“Yeah, amazing. I can’t believe you’re still smiling,” he said in almost a whisper.

“I’m happy to see you… I didn’t know what would happen.”

“Well baby I just want to- ” Gerard’s speech stopped abruptly when he was Frank’s horrified face, his eyes had rage and anger, and turned a shade darker. “W-What?” Gerard stuttered, not knowing what was happening.

“Mom…” Frank said in a low murmur, so low that his mom couldn’t hear but Gerard could. He nodded, acknowledging he understood.

Frank’s mother Linda waited at the doorway, and Frank and Gerard’s hands were still gripped tightly to each other, almost afraid that one of them was going to fall any moment. Gerard was reluctant, but slid his hand away fast, and Frank gave him a sad look. Gerard returned it, but Frank knew it was for a reason, and a pretty good one at that.

“Frank! You’re alive!” she shrieked, giving him a tight hug, almost suffocating-tight.

Gerard stepped away near the corner of the hospital room, trying not to interfere with the mother-son moment. “Mom… ouch… it hurts,” Frank complained into her embrace. “You know Gerard, right?” he attempted to re-direct her attention, but little did he know.

Gerard felt embarrassed and his cheeks were turning pink. The thoughts of Frank coming out to his mom right now were nerve racking. He himself didn’t feel the least bit ready to tell anyone else. “Hi Mrs. Iero.” He stepped forward shyly.

“You’re Gerard?” she stared at him, her mouth agape. “Donna Way’s boy, who almost got Frank killed?” She stared at him with disbelief, and shook her head. It was such a degrading and demeaning gesture, but there wasn’t much Gerard could do about it.

“Mom!” Frank tried to scream, but amongst the anger in her tone, he wasn’t heard. “Stop it! I-It’s not like that!”

“I’m sorry!” Gerard cried frantically, not knowing what was going to happen. “I-I didn’t mean it… no… I love Frank… I’d never hurt him!”

“How dare you set foot in this room with my son. You’ve done enough damage to this family! Brainwashing Frank into thinking he’s gay, then telling everyone at school!” She continued to ramble, “You’re just lucky Frank is alive, or may God have mercy on you.”

“I-I…” Frank knew Gerard gave up by then. His eyes told everything as he looked at Frank and Frank looked back. Gerard apologized once more, “I’m going to leave now. I’m sorry Mrs. Iero and bye Frankie…” he waved, about to exit.

“That’s right you should. Now don’t come back young man.” She continued her scolding.

“Mom! Stop it! You’re being insane!” He pleaded when Gerard exited, brokenhearted.

“Frank, you could have died! Do you know how lucky you really are? He had no business with you here, and won’t ever again. I’ll make sure of it.”

“What about Mikey? He saved my damn life! Gerard is his brother and didn’t mean any harm, but you had to come in here and scare him half to death!”

“Well, he’s another person, and obviously, we owe him something. But Gerard is just there to brainwash you Frank. You’re not in love with him,” she stated firmly, and then Frank lost it.

“I love him, okay Mom! I can’t help it! I’ve always loved him, and you can’t stop me.” Frank suddenly had the courage to speak up and tell her off after so many years. “Don’t you ever talk to him that way again! He actually makes me happy, for once in my god awful life!” He exclaimed all of this at the top of his lungs. “Get out! I don’t ever want to see you again if you treat Gerard like shit! You might as well treat me the same way just because I’m gay. He loves me more than you ever have. All you care about it that stupid church status and you have no idea how much I hate it! The only reason I went to mass was to see Gerard and Mikey. God, they’re my best friends, and if you can’t accept Gerard, than fuck off.” Frank’s breathing rate increased slightly.

Frank’s mother was bewildered by her son’s action, and stared at him in pure disgust, as well as sadness. She had no idea about Frank’s life, or how strongly he felt about Gerard. Deep down, she couldn’t accept gays for what they were. It was against everything she believed in and couldn’t bare it.

Being speechless, she quickly stepped out of the room, and once again, Frank was left alone to himself, wishing that he could apologize to Gerard, not knowing the extent of hurt she’d caused him. Frank told him that it wasn’t his fault, and sure as hell he hoped he believed him. He wouldn’t risk Gerard hurting himself over his stupid ass mother, not again. He couldn’t lose Gerard right now, he just couldn’t.

“Mikey, we’re going.” Gerard hurried to his table, taking Mikey’s arm.

“Gerard… what happened?” He saw the drying stream of tears on Gerard’s cheeks. “Where’s the fire?”

“N-Nothing, now c’mon.” He hated lying to his brother so much, but had to in this case. He was trying to hide his own pain as well.

“No, tell me.” Mikey demanded/

“Frank’s mother.” He said solemnly, walking to the car.

“Linda Iero?” He asked, knowing she was usually a very nice lady.

“Yeah, now I don’t want to fucking talk about it. We’re going home.” He let a tear stream down his face again, shutting the car door and starting the ignition. The car was cool on the inside, so Gerard turned up the heat.

“Gee… I’m sorry.” Mikey apologized.

“No, I’m sorry for dragging you here with me,” he spoke bitterly.

“Stop it! You’re being ridiculous! Now tell me Gee… tell me what happened.” Mikey pleaded with his brother, “What was it?”

“I’ll tell you at home,” he decided on saying, but he wished he hadn’t.

They got into the house, parents still not there, and Mikey followed Gerard into his bedroom. Gerard curled up into a ball on his bed and started to cry, because it was the only thing he could do. The boy he loved was in hospital, and he believed it was his entire fault. Everyone thought it was his fault. Mikey put his arm around his brother and sighed deeply, stroking his hair and soothing him. “Gee, please stop…”

“M-Mikey… I almost k-killed him… okay?” Gerard looked up for a second. “H-He almost… died… and it was… my fucking fault!” Blaming himself seemed like the easiest thing he could do.

“Gerard… it wasn’t your fault. Frank told you, didn’t he? Why don’t you just trust him? I know you love him so much, and he wouldn’t want to see you like this. I could tell by the way he looked at you,” he quieted Gerard’s sobs by letting him rest on his shoulder.

“H-His mom… she kicked me out… I-I didn’t know what to do Mikes. F-Frank didn’t do anything about it… why doesn’t h-he love me?” Gerard sobbing and cries got louder.

“Frank loves you Gerard, even if you don’t think so. He always will. I can promise you that.”

“N-No he doesn’t… He hates me Mikey!” he started to wail.

“Stop kidding yourself bro! I know he does and we’ll go back there tomorrow and the day after and the day after, and you’ll see.”

“I don’t want to go back there! He doesn’t love me, okay?” he screamed.

“Gerard! Stop it! He loves you more than you would know! I can see it in your eyes; you know he loves you, and stop pulling this shit! I don’t care how much you think he hates you, but he doesn’t. Don’t be an asshole!” Mikey stormed out, leaving Gerard alone.

Gerard owned several razors, all of which had been used before. They were good friends really, and he didn’t know what else to do. He took it out, the metal cold between his fingers, and slid the sharp blade down his pale skin. He barely felt any pain on the first cuts, slowly going deeper and deeper. Stinging started to appear slowly as the cuts were exposed to the air, and then it started to deaden, the feeling was lost, so new cuts were formed slowly and surely. Gerard knew exactly what he was doing, carving a name into his arm. The only name that made him feel so different. Like he was actually wanted in the world, but not anymore. The only thing he could think about now was Frank, and how he’d miss him when he wasn’t around anymore.

The crimson liquid poured down his arms onto his shirt and jeans, but he didn’t care. Gerard knew that he deserved to feel all this pain and this was just the start. It was his fault his boyfriend almost died… it was his fault his brother had to get involved with the police… it was his fault his parent’s names would be ruined… he just snapped like a twig. A broken twig.

“I fucking deserve to die,” he said out loud, before slumping down in his bed under the covers, and falling into darkness, hoping he’d never see the light of day again.

“Alicia, baby, you need to help me!” Mikey said into the receiver of his cell phone, his hands shaking.

“What is it Mikey?” she answered with worry.

“I-It’s Gerard… he’s going insane. He thinks Frank doesn’t love him and he’s blaming himself for everything. H-he just woke up and he’s covered in blood… he keeps muttering things and I-I don’t know what to do!” Mikey’s voice filled with concern.

“Call 9-1-1 Mikey… he needs help. I can meet you at the hospital if you want.” She offered.

“O-Okay… Bye. I’ll see you there.”

“Mikey, calm down. It’ll be okay.” She hung up and Mikey didn’t waste a second calling for an ambulance.

They took Gerard onto a stretcher and strapped him down, because his limps were flaring out madly and he wouldn’t stop screaming. After they finally got an IV into him, he calmed down and started to relax. Mikey was so scared about everything that was happening, but insisted he sit in the back with his brother. The paramedics administered first aid and wrapped his arm in gauze and medical tape. Mikey looked down at his brother who lay limp on the stretcher, trying to hold back all his tears. Both his best friend and brother were going to be in hospital, and he didn’t have a clue what to do. Hundreds of emotions flooded through his mind at the same time, and he closed his eyes, until they arrived at the hospital.

Gerard was admitted to the Emergency Room, and was taken in for tests. Mikey sat in the hospital waiting room with Alicia by his side, trying to calm his nerves. She told him to eat something, but all they ended up getting was two Coke Zeros.

“Hey babe, how about we visit Frankie?” She suggested.

“And tell him about Gerard? No, I don’t think he could handle it.”

“C’mon… we could just say hi.”

“You go… I don’t want to.”

“No, I’m not leaving you here alone. Come with me please.”

“But he’s going to wonder why I’m here again…”

“Oh… yeah… I’m sorry Mikey, but I can’t stand seeing you like this. It’s so painful the expression on your face and the pain in your eyes… Please.”

Mikey still refused, so they waited for Gerard’s reports to come back. It seemed like hours later, but a short, Asian man in a white lab coat stepped out with a black and brown clipboard, and looked at both of them. He smiled walking over to Mikey and Alicia, and Mikey stood to meet him.

“I take it you’re Gerard Way’s brother?” He asked, “I’m the doctor performing the tests, Mr. Lee.” He shook hands with the younger Way brother.

“Yeah, that’s me… so, how is he?”

“Gerard is doing perfectly fine, except for some blood loss. We recommend that he eat plenty of iron rich foods such as red meat and tofu, and drink at least eight glasses of water per day for the next week or so. If he complains of fatigue or drowsiness, it will pass. His arm is pretty much carved out, almost like a jack-o-lantern gone wrong, but it should be healed within a couple of weeks. Other than that, he’s free to go. He seems to have endured some type of trauma, triggering a mild panic attack resulting in the self-harm. If needed,” he handed Mikey a business card, “I recommend he see a therapist for the next little while. I’m concerned about what the marks on his arm were though.” The doctor looked down.

“W-What did it say?” Mikey knew Gerard would pull a stunt like this again.

“It was a name Mr. Way. Please ask Gerard what it was later.”

“Is he free to go though?” Mikey asked, afraid that his parents would be home.

“Yes, and you can see him in his room upstairs. He should be awake.”

“Thanks so much.”

“No problem. Call me for any questions, it’s on the back of the card.”

Mikey and Alicia made there way upstairs where a small tag on the door read “Gerard Way.” They entered quietly and saw Gerard staring out of the window. “I’m sorry,” he said to himself, not knowing people were behind him.

“Gerard?” Mikey asked curiously

“Mikey?”

“Oh my god! You’re okay!” Mikey pulled him into a hug.

“W-Wha?”

“You’re in a hospital Gee!”

“I can see that dumbass, but what the hell happened?” he looked around, taking in his surroundings that he remembered from Frank’s room.

“Uh, you were cutting yourself again and then had some kind of panic attack. I’ll write down all the things the doctor said when we get home.” Mikey knew that he had to ask about what was carved into his arm, but he would ask when they were all more relaxed, not that it would be any better when they got home.

“How exactly are we getting home? You can’t drive.”

“Bus or a taxi, I don’t know.

“Ew, my head already hurts, why take the bus?”

“Would you rather have mom and dad take us?”

“Um, no. Good point.”

“I should go home too,” Alicia pecked Mikey’s cheek, “bye.” Lucky for her, she lived about two blocks from the hospital.

“I feel so tired though…” Gerard whined.

Mikey then recalled what the doctor had said, “Uh, it’ll pass. And you need to eat a lot of meat and drink like eight glasses of water a day for the next week.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’ll never be able to kiss Frank again! Damn.” Mikey knew Frank was a vegetarian and that it probably would cause problems.

“Gerard, you want to get better don’t you?” Mikey pleaded.

“Yeah, sorry Mikes.” Gerard said, getting up, his shirt still bloodstained and his torn jeans had splatter. They called a cab downstairs and got in.

Now at home, they’re parents started yelling. They’d received a call form Linda Iero, stating the Gerard was some kind of devil child who’d brainwashed Frank. Mikey rolled his eyes, knowing the whole thing was bullshit. Gerard would never do that to Frank, it was just love. Gerard though, he just took it as it was. His head was already aching, and he figured not much could make it worse. His arm was numb and his headache wouldn’t become numb, and once the yelling stopped, he was sent to his room. Mikey tried to follow, but the parents wouldn’t allow him to spoil their “perfect son.” Gerard had a stash of pills in his room for various things, but mostly just over the counter painkillers. He popped a couple of Advil’s and drank his first of many bottles of water.

He had really lost his appetite since, and then he grabbed some clothes to change into, and trudged upstairs to the shower. He realized his arm was still bandaged and he carefully unwrapped it, revealing the marks he’d made. It read in big, deep cuts and he winced when the water hit them. A stunning pain came over him, which quickly faded and became that numb throbbing he was familiar with. He was done quickly, so he dressed and dried his hair as much as he could, then put on a hoodie to hide what he’d done.

When he headed back to his room, Mikey looked pissed, waiting at the door for him. “Gerard, we need to talk. Seriously, you need to stop this.”

“Shut the fuck up Mikey. I don’t want to.” Gerard said, disregarding the fact Mikey was in front of the door and tired to push his way through.

Mikey obviously followed him in, grabbing the sleeve of his hoodie, “Gerard, c’mon. This is serious.”

“Mom and Dad told me off already, I don’t need you fucking around as well. I’ve had enough, and since my suicide attempt failed, well, leave me the fuck alone.”

“Stop it, again. Like, dude. I know you love Frank, and I’m pretty sure he still loves you and always will. I don’t know what would make you think he hated you in the first place. Why the fuck would you want to die when you have so much to live for?”

“You call this,” he gestured, “so much to live for? I have two people that love me, and barely. That’s you and Frank.”

“Gerard, please tell me… what did you cut?”

“I-I… Just look at it for yourself.” Gerard started to open up. Mikey started to lift Gerard’s sleeve up a little bit and then pushed up the rest. He stared at it for a moment in shock and looked up at Gerard. He nodded, “Yeah.”

There were sixteen deep, solid lines that spelled, “FRANK.”