Series of Oneshots

I looked at him; he sat on the couch with the blue book in hand. He has read the book countless times and yet he still reads every time we go on tour. The fading blue color of the cover and words The Lovely Bones scrawled across the front telling the world the title of the book. His eyes scan the page as he reads and his lips form a pouty position. I chuckle a little when he does this. He looks up at me and realizes what I am laughing at. He flashes me a smile and I can’t help but blush. I try to look away so he doesn’t notice my burning red cheeks. Out of the six years we have been in a band, I have had feelings for him for a year and a half. The only one, that I know of, that knows of my feelings for him, is our bassist and good friend of mine, Bill. See he used to be called Billy, but now that he is 22, almost 23, he prefers to be called Bill.
Now he has return to his book and the pout as once gain graced his lips. I resume my position of watching him read. No, I am not a stalker; I just keep my distance from Shane. The love of my life’s name is Shane. Yeah, I know calling someone the love of your life when you aren’t even dating them is a little weird, but hey, I’m weird so it fits. I have a crush on the lead singer of the band I am in. That is why I keep my thoughts to myself, and also I do not think Shane is gay. Those are the two reasons why I am quiet about how I feel.
“Hey,” Bill enters from the bunk area. I turn my head to face him and I see Shane lift his head from the book to also address Bill’s presence. “So….Paul, can you come help me a second with posting some pictures onto invisible ninjas?”
I got up and walked to Bill’s bunk where he has his laptop sitting. We both climb in, our legs hanging over the side into the cramped hallway and our backs to the wall. But Bill’s feet & legs stuck out quite a bit farther because he is quite the tall person, being six feet four inches tall. I helped him post more of his pictures, and then we got to talking once again.
“So do still have feelings for Shane?” He turned to face me; a smirk was placed on his face. I could see it through the somewhat darkness.
“Not so loud!” The curtain to his bunk was open and I was afraid the other band mates and others could hear him. I took a breath in and sighed it back out. I leaned my head back once again. I closed my eyes, I thought about everything. How if I told Shane about my feelings, how it could take a strain on our friendship and a strain on the band. But then I thought about how it was killing me not being able to tell him, because of what it could do to the band, and my own cowardliness, not having the balls to tell him. “Yeah, I still do. And it is killing me not being able to tell him. Just the way he moves. His mannerisms, cynicism I just can’t help but like him. He is everything that I like. Ahhhh…. I just can’t help my feelings. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him, but then I start to think about what could happen if I did, I get nervous because of how many ways it could go. I just…. I honestly don’t know….. what to do. I just don’t.”
I opened my eyes and turned my head to face Bill once again. He was once again looking at his laptop. I couldn’t tell if he was listening or not, he had a weird thing where he could listen to you vent your heart out, and do something completely unimportant at the same time.
“I think….” Bill started off his famous line.
“Not again!” I interrupted him. Seriously, every time he starts a sentence like that, you are in for a LONG conversation. Actually he is usually the one talking. But I just got comfortable and waited for what he was going to say.
“Anyways, we have a few days off before the next town; ask him if he wants to get a bite to eat. See how the night goes and if it goes wonderfully, tell him. And what is the worst that could happen? He rejects you; I know you have taken rejection in the past. Granted it might make things awkward for awhile. You live once. If you like as much as you claim you do, you should go for it no matter the consequence.” He took a breath in and I thought he was done, but then he continued to speak. “If he doesn’t like you back, then he doesn’t. And hey,” He was trying to grab my attention again because I was starting to wander, “If he likes you, then great. You were holding back when you shouldn’t have. Take a chance, its life; sometimes the best get beaten down.”
I got up to leave because I knew what I had to do. Sometimes Bill can be a naive guy, but he has his moments when he shines and can be full of wisdom. Hell, I’m a year older then him and Bill has about three years worth of wisdom more then me. I walked back to my place where I was sitting about fifteen minutes earlier. Shane hadn’t moved.
He looked up and saw me reenter the front lounge. Shane gazed into my eyes with his perfect brown eyes. I sighed and sat back down. I tried to look like I was doing something. Every now and then I would sneak glances back at Shane. I took in everything about him. I knew his favorites and I just pretended to know them because we are really good friends. I got nervous when he caught me gazing at him; I tried to make it look like I was studying something else when this happened. Sometimes I thought he was catching on to my crush, but soon enough Shane would do something that would relieve me of those thoughts. As I went through these various thoughts in my head, I guess I was doing something weird or looking at Shane funny, because soon Shane said something to me.
“Paul?” His voice was raspy from the show the night before. The screaming can take a hold on Shane’s voice sometimes. “Are you okay? You seem a little…. I don’t know, out of it. Is everything alright?” He had caught my attention and dragged me away from my thoughts of him. “Be honest.”
I sighed at the last sentence. I couldn’t be truthful; he was the reason why I was in heartache. I looked at him; I could tell he saw the despondency in my eyes. I felt that Shane could read me like the book that lay open in his lap. There was no escaping him now. Shane knew something was wrong and he probably wouldn’t let it go until he knew what was wrong. That is another reason why I liked him so damn much. I sighed and shook my head.
“Just tell. Please. You know you can trust me. I’ll help as much as I can.” Shane looked at me with pleading eyes. I couldn’t resist him. I wanted to jump on him right then and there and just kiss him. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. He just…I wanted to love him so bad. To tell him, to share all my secrets with him, spend my life with him. And despite all of these feelings, I still couldn’t tell him. With each second passing, the need to tell him got worse.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I…” Now I was stumbling over my words, my mind was working in overdrive. Tears formed in my eyes. I was about to cry once again over my best friend, my band mate, my love. I let the tears freely run down my face. I wasn’t scared of the fact that I was now crying. I was willing to let Shane see me cry. I hate when people see me cry, but I felt comfortable crying in front of him. Again, this is another reason why I had feelings for him.
I felt strong arms around me. I knew it was him. The one person I wanted to hold onto me. It took me a split second to realize what position I was in. My arms moved and slightly shoved Shane away. Shane hugging me wasn’t the best situation to be in considering the circumstances. He was off of me and once again sitting on the couch. As I looked at him, I saw a look of confusion upon his face. I took my last glance at him and then hid in our tiny bathroom.
I sat on the toilet for what seemed quite a while. After a small amount of time, I heard a small, subtle knock on the door. I just ignored it and tried to calm myself down. I had worked myself up after the whole Shane incident. I ignored the knocking I didn’t want to deal with anybody. Shane because well he is the reason why I am in the bathroom, Bill because I knew he was right, Neil & Josh because they didn’t know anything about the situation.
“Paul…” I was a delicate whisper, almost shaky. At first I didn’t know who the voice belong to, the he spoke again. “Listen, I don’t know why you are so upset about, but you know you can talk to me. I’m one of your best friends; I’ll listen and help you through what ever is the mater. Just…I don’t like seeing you like this. It makes me upset to see you distressed. It makes me feel bad. Just…I don’t know. I’m here if and when you wanna talk.”
I heard him walk away from the door. I moaned because I wanted to call his name and explain everything to him. I haven’t even told Shane about my feelings for him and I already have screwed up our friendship. And that is another example why I haven’t told him yet. This whole situation is just so frustrating. I wish I could just spill everything to him, I honestly do. I am just too much of a coward. I decided I would eventually have to come out of the bathroom because some people have the flow of nature knocking at their door.
I was trying to make my way to my bunk without being noticed by anyone because a) I didn’t want to deal with anybody b) my eyes were red and puffy from softly sobbing and finally c) I absolutely did not want to explain myself to anybody, not even one living soul, not even Shane.
I quietly and slowly opened the bathroom door. As I did this, I thought it probably wasn’t the best idea. If anything it would attract more attention to what I was doing and how I behaved. I was about to turn around to head towards my bunk when I saw Shane sitting were he had been for most of the day. His feet were up on the couch, book resting in his lap. But his head wasn’t down reading the lines of the book, his head was up and his gaze was rested upon my dumbstruck face. My body tensed up and I couldn’t move. I stood frozen; he kept on looking at me. My cheeks were starting to burn. I don’t know whether it was from my incident before or from my feelings for Shane. I soon snapped back to reality and headed for my bunk, for quiet time to think, for a space where no one was likely to bug me.
I crawled into my buck and drew back the curtains. I tossed and turned I wasn’t trying to sleep but I was trying to get comfortable. But it seemed impossible to do. I laid there for awhile. I cried once again, I couldn’t help it. I was done holding back the tears. I let them fall freely and silently. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought about everything which didn’t seem to work. I finally turned and faced the curtains. Once again I began to think about Shane. I just liked so much about him. He was always there when something wrong. He was usually the first, or one of the few, to ask if something was wrong when clearly something was. The problem was I didn’t now what to say to him. I knew I wanted to tell him, but just how? That was the question of the day. How do I, Paul Adam Koehler, tell, Shane Matthew Told, that I am in love with him? Yes, I have decided that I do not just like him, I love him.
As soon as I decided that I would tell Shane, Bill pulled back the curtains. I knew he meant business because he never bothered anyone when they had their curtains drawn. I had to squint because the setting sun was shining through the various windows on the tour bus. It was bright to my eyes from crying while being in a dark bunk. Focusing on Bill’s face, I realized he was giving me a look. It was one of those you-better-do-something-now-or-I-will-do-something-you-don’t-want-me-to-do looks. I nodded at him and he slipped into the back lounge. He left my curtains open so I decided it was now or never. I swung my legs over the side of my bunk and stood up.
As soon as my feet touched the carpeted floors, I began to stretch. My arms were above my head. I’m guessing that my shirt and hoodie was both too short for my frame because I could feel cool air on my lower stomach and happy trail. I saw Shane look up at me, and then as soon as I saw him looking he turned his attention to his book. I yawned even though I didn’t feel tired but whatever. I walked back to where I spent the first half of my day. I was back in the front lounge were Shane was still reading his book, but it seemed he had not gotten very much farther in the novel.
I slide back to where I sat before. I couldn’t turn my gaze from Shane. The sun was casting a glow upon his face and body. It made me want to be cuddled up next him, arms and legs entangled, and just breathe him in. Just the thought of doing that with him gave me the shivers. I breathed in deep, wanting the words to come out freely. I saw him staring at me. He marked his place in the book and closed it. Shane set it aside himself, but not between us. I moved closer to him, if I was going to spill my guts I was going to get personal.
“Sorry,” That was the first word out of my mouth after my breakdown. That one simple word that could mean anything and everything. That one simple word that is so over used. My voice was shaky and rough. Shaky from being nervous. Rough from my tears. Shane just gave me a weak smile. It killed me; I fancied his regular smile any day of the week. “I…just have a lot on my mind right now and I guess it just all sort of…..well hit the ceiling fan.” I tried to make the joke to lighten the tension in the room. A heard a slight chuckle; I just thought it was one of the other guys eavesdropping. It was Shane who was laughing, which was a good sign.
It fell silent again. If just a little break down caused this much tension, I don’t want to know how thick the tension would be when I told Shane. I could tell that Shane wasn’t used to, or even liked, the tension that filled the air. I shifted in my seat wanting to tell him, but there was still a part of me that didn’t want to tell him. He opened his mouth to say something, and then quickly shutting it. He looked at me and once again I moved closer. I took a deep breathe in and quickly exhaled it, trying to calm myself down. But to my luck it didn’t work.
“Paul,” Oh god I loved to hear him say my name. I wonder how it would sound in bed. Shane panting and his voice rough, or saying my name lovingly with a soft moan. I’ve got to stop thinking about it or I will have a problem right here in front of him. “You know you can talk about anything with me. I…just…ummm…I feel like you are hiding something from me. And it seems like a big deal to you. The way you acted earlier.”
“I realize the way I acted earlier was kinda out of hand. It was childish I shouldn’t have acted like that. I am truly sorry.”
“No, Paul.” He shook his head and sighed deeply. “I think the reason…”
“You aren’t going to do one of Bill’s talks were he just rambles on and ends up being right. And you feel like you are a little kid being reprehended. Because I already got one of those today and I don’t think I can sit through another.” My eyes got wide at the end of my sentence and I shook my head to make my point.
“No, no, no.” He shook his head while smiling. His smile made me smile. “I was just going to say that I BELIEVE the reason why you had that thing or whatever you wanna call it, is that what ever you had earlier was the result of you not telling what ever is on your mind. It must be really important or stressful or something along the lines of it. You have strong feelings or bond to whatever you were thinking about, because the only other time I saw you do something like that is when John died.” At first when he began to talk I was smiling at the fact he said believe instead of think. It made me gently laugh actually. But it went away when he mentioned John. I suppose he say my face go from a smile to grief because he tried to reverse his comment.
“I’m sorry. I won’t have mentioned him if I knew you would get so upset about it. I’m sorry, don’t be sad. I don’t like the way your olive eyes look when you’re sad.” Honestly when he actually used the color of my eyes, it made me feel better. It showed me that he paid attention to details about me. It gave me a hope that he liked me back. A warm fuzzy feeling crept inside of me, cliché sounding I know.
“No, it’s okay. I didn’t think it would upset me as much as it did. I guess I am on edge from before.” He gave me that look are-sure-you-you-are-okay? Look. “I’m fine trust me.” I got up to leave because I was tired from crying and the day’s events. I was headed back to my bunk to turn in early.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” I turned around to face Shane, to take in his features once more before I go to bed. Just to make sure I dream of him. I shook my head no. Shane just kind of shrugged his shoulders and nuzzled up into the couch to get comfortable. God do I wish I could be able to snuggle up him and have him right next to me and fall asleep. I turned around once more to get to my bunk for some shut eye.
“Wait, Shane?”
“Yeah Paul?” He looked up from the couch with equally sleepy eyes.
“When the bus stops for the night, do you wanna…maybe…get a bite to eat.” He looked up at me with those amazing eyes I could gaze into for a lifetime. “And then maybe I’ll wanna talk, ok?”
“That sound’s great!” Shane had a huge smile on his face, ear to ear. “I’ll just wake you up when ever we stop. Is that okay?” I shook my head yes and yawned at the same time. “Go get some rest sleepyhead.” I turned towards our bunks and arrived at my designated bunk. I slipped into the cold sheets and pulled my fleece blanket up to neck.
After about five minutes, I was about to fall asleep when someone pulled back my curtains. I turned over and groaned because I did not want to be disturbed. I saw Bill’s face peering into my bunk with his black framed glasses enlarging his eyes.
“So have you told him yet?” I knew he was going to ask that. When Bill thinks something needs to be done, he makes sure the wheels are turning to get it done. I shook my head no. And before he could reply I spoke.
“We are going to get something to eat when the bus stops for the night, and then I will tell him, okay?” Bill shook his head yes. “Okay, good. Now close the curtain so I can get some sleep.” I said a little annoyed and grumpily. I needed some sleep and goddamn it, I was going to get some. He closed the curtains once more and stalked off in which ever direction he needed to go in.
The next thing I remember was the sound of my curtains being drawn again. Someone was shaking me and barely whispering my name. I turned to see Shane there. With a smile wide across his face. I smiled back at him and tried to stretch in my buck. Unsuccessfully I might add. Shane watched me and laughed at my attempted stretching.
“We have stopped in a town for the night. It seems that there isn’t a lot out there but I think we’ll manage.” He made a face that I really can’t describe but it was pretty damn cute. I shifted in my bunk so I was in a position where I could get out. Shane moved to the side and let me get out. Once out and standing next to my love, I stretched once again, but his time more comfortable.
“Let me go brush my teeth before we go. After that I am already to go I think.” I made my way to the bathroom. I made sure my tooth brush and a tube of toothpaste was in there. I quickly brushed my teeth because I was going to eat in a little bit so they were just going to get nasty again. I opened the door to the bathroom and made my way out. I stumbled a little bit but I survived. I made my way to the front lounge where I was pretty sure Shane would be waiting for me. He was there like I thought. Also Bill was there on the couch with Neil having a normal conversation.
“Are you ready to go now?” Shane asked with excitement. I bobbed my head up and down to signal that yes I was ready to go. He started towards the front door. He was already out when I hear Bill call after “Just do it!” I was just able to see just Bill’s head with a broad smile.
We had made it about twenty feet away from the bus when I realized that I forgot my phone. I started to pat down all of my pockets, my hoodie, and my jeans. I must have stopped walking because when I looked up at Shane who said something we was a little farther down the side walk then I was.
“Did you forget something?”
“Yeah, my phone. Did you bring yours?”
“No, I figured you wanted to talk so I decided no distractions.”
“Works for me.” I shrugged and kept on walking. We came upon a little diner, like one of those from the fifties. I pulled open the glass door and let Shane in first. Since I was going to drop this enormous bomb on him, the least I could do is hold open some doors like a gentleman. We sat down in a booth by the window. Shane and I were sitting across from each other. The waitress walked up and she was wearing a peach jumper dress thing, just like they would have worn in the fifties. The lady looked like she had walked out of the fifties; her hair was up in a style that is really unexplainable. She set down a menu in front of me and then in front of Shane. She had a notepad and pen positioned in her hand ready to take our orders.
“My name is Mary. Now what can I get you two fellas?” Mary snapped her gum and chomped on it as she waited patiently for our orders.
“Ummmm….I’ll have a coke and ….” I trailed off while a looked on the menu for some food that would meet my vegan diet. But I couldn’t find anything, that or my brain was working fast enough. Then Shane finally spoke.
“We’ll both have a coke with some French fries.” He handed Mary his menu then I did the same. He gave her his heart stealing smile. She wrote down the order and turned around to the direction of where I would think the kitchen was. He turned to me and continued smiling. I just smiled back because that is what I wanted to do. What could be better than sitting some fifties restaurant with the man of your dreams. Yeah, I don’t think a lot of things can top this.
I fiddled with the silverware on the table. Flipping it one way and then the other, making quite a bit of clatter. Finally, Mary came back with our drinks. I was thankful she was back because the silence was deafening. Yea, oxymoron I know, but it is true, it was bugging the crap out of me. She set the drinks in front of Shane and me. Then straighten her back.
“Your fries will be out momentarily. Is there anything else I can get you boys?” She grinned her big toothy grin waiting for a reply.
“No, I don’t think so. You need anything Shane?” I looked at him he shook his head no and smiled. Damn he was so cute sometimes.
“Okay, just say something; I’m sure we’ll have it. I’ll bring out your fries as soon as they are done.” We smiled at her as she turned around to leave, well check on our fries. I looked around the diner. There wasn’t really anyone in there. A man was sitting the counter having coffee and what looked like some sort of breakfast. He kind of looked like a truck driver. He was wearing a flannel shirt, some jeans, and well, a trucker hat. Then another man stood behind the counter, he was having a cup of coffee too. He looked like a cook at the restaurant. He had an old white t-shirt, which wasn’t exactly white anymore, just dingy. A grease stained apron was tied around his big belly. If he grew a long white beard, he would look like a real life Santa Clause, no joke. I giggled at my last comment.
“What are you laughing at?” Shane questioned with a smile already spread across his face. I shook my head at him at first not wanting to really tell him. “No, seriously. What are you laughing at?”
“Fine,” I decided to tell him because I could tell he wasn’t going to give up on the topic. “See the guy behind the counter with the cup of coffee? He has a greasy apron around his belly.” I spook in a small, almost inaudible whisper. Our heads were leaned in towards the middle of the table. I could feel his hot breathe on my face. I was so close to him, I wanted so badly to kiss him then and now. Shane shook his head yes, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and wonder. “Just picture him with a long white beard. Wouldn’t he look like a Santa Clause?”
As the last sentenced slipped past my lips, Shane just laughed. Not a slight giggle like I had, but a big, stomach shaking laugh. I thought he was going to fall out of the booth. Shane just sat there laughing. Seeing him laugh so hard brought a genuine smile to my face. Just then Mary walked up with our two heaping plates of fries. She set them down in front of us.
“Is he okay?” She asked pointing her thumb at Shane with her other hand on her hip.
“Yeah, I think so. I honestly didn’t think what I said was that funny but I guess it was.” I said this with a shrug of my shoulders at the end. I smiled at the whole situation.
“Do ya’ll need anything else?” I shook my head; the ketchup was already on the table. “Okay then, enjoy your food. Here is your bill.” Mary set it at the edge of the table and walked away. I liked the type of waitress she was. Didn’t bother you too much, asked if you needed anything and left you alone when you didn’t.
We ate our fries not really talking. I finished my food first. I guess I was nervous. I watched Shane finish up his fries. I didn’t feel like telling when he was eating. He could choke and die, and I defiantly did not want that to happen. He finished his fries and then put his plate on top of mine at the end of the table. Just as he did this, an old lady and man walked into the diner. They sat at the other end of the restaurant. It was sort of L shaped. We sat at one leg of the diner while they chose the other leg. After that Mary walked past us and to the old couple. She did her bit and took their orders of coffee and pie. That little old couple were so damn cute. Yes, I am a sucker for romance. After taking their orders Mary was walking past our table and grabbed our dirty plates in one swift move. She smiled at us when she did this.
I turned my attention back to the old couple they were talking and smiling. Man they are just too cute. I wish I could grow old like that with Shane. That would be great. I sighed when I thought of this.
“What?” Shane asked as he turned around to look at whatever I was gazing at.
“Just that old couple. They’re just…..so damn cute. I wish I could grow old like that with someone.” I kept my gaze on them while Shane turned his attention back to me.
“Don’t worry; you will have somebody to grow old like that with. And who ever that person might be is one lucky son of a gun.” Shane smiled at this and so did I. We went back to the silence once again. I decided now was the time.
“I’m in love with somebody.” There I said it, plain and simple. Shane looked up at me with his brown eyes. Wait, did I just see some sadness in his eyes, maybe even jealousy. God, I hope it was.
“That’s great man. Really good for ya!” He slugged my shoulder when he said this. It sent a warm fuzzy feeling through my body once again. Then sadness struck again. Shane noticed too. “What’s the matter? I thought you said you are in love, shouldn’t you be excited and jumping up and down?” I took a deep breath in to stable my self.
“They don’t know I love them.” I started the sentence looking down at the table and slowly looked back up at Shane and his lovely face with his cute little nose that I found so adorable. “I don’t know if they would ever love me back.” He stared at me with concern on his face.
“I am sure that once you tell them, they’ll understand.” He sounded so sure, he honestly did.
“Shane, I’m not sure they’ll understand.” I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. I didn’t care you saw me crying now. I was done with hiding my feelings.
“Who, Paul? Who won’t understand?” Shane spoke his voice shaky now too. Not as strong as it was before. I just started talking this time; I didn’t even think before I spoke, I just talked.
“You were born on February 13th in Scarborough, Ontario. Your middle name is Matthew. You were going to school for molecular biology, but decided to play music instead because you heard Metallica in your sister’s bedroom some sixteen years ago. And speaking of Metallica, you only like their work from ninety-six and before, nothing after that. Also you like to play poker and do sudoku puzzles, which you get frustrated with sometimes, which is pretty damn cute. Some of your favorite movies were directed by Kevin Smith. Lord of the Rings trilogy is another favorite of yours. Also Office Space and Baseketball are a few of you favorite comedies.” As I was speaking I looked at Shane’s face. It was confused, appalled, and pleased all at the same time. It was enthralling but yet frightening. “Slayer is one of your favorite bands along with NOFX, Saves the Day, Lifetime and many others. Corona, your favorite type of beer. Red Thai Curry with some Tofu is one of your favorite meals. You love the fact that you made a career out of music. You’re easy going but a slight control freak, which I envy. The part that you do not like about being on the road is that it’s hard to eat vegan, and you miss your family way too much, which proves you’re a sweet guy.” I stopped for a minute to take a breath; I was tried from proving to Shane that I liked him, actually loved him. I looked at his face. Now it was just pure confusion.
“But you’re just talking about me.” He turned his head to the side, like a child almost.
“But the things that get you through touring are the kids and our band mates and crew. And books, the Harry Potter series and a lot of Vonnegut’s work are the some you enjoy to read. Somehow you like to watch the O.C., which I do not understand. Yet I find it cute that you like to watch something so cheesy. Oh, and Melrose Place, how the hell did that happen?” Shane smiled, he just smiled. That truly is a good sign. “But as well you like to watch the Sopranos and Entourage to get that manliness in there too. In the future you would like to go back to school.”
I sighed out signaling that I was done. I stared at Shane hoping he would say anything, just to signal that he had heard me. I took his hands in mine. Mine were sweaty and shaky, I was so nervous. Shane sat there and let me hold his hands. My eyes were fixed on out hands because this was probably the only time I would be able to hold them and I didn’t want to look in his eyes, to face the truth.
“Shane,” Saying his name even hurt. “It’s you who I love and if you don’t love me back, I understand.” I looked up into his eyes to make sure he knew I was being serious. I took my hands out of his and slid out of the booth. I stood up and reached into my back pocket for my wallet. I pulled out a twenty and placed it near the bill. My next move was something I was not expecting to do.
I took Shane’s chin in my trembling hand. I pushed his head upward to look at me, not forcefully though, gently. I looked into his wonderful eyes I found so amazing. Then I leaned my head towards his. I softly placed my lips to his warm ones. With that one last move I made my way the door. As I pushed open the door, I heard the bells jingling at the top.
Once outside I watched Shane from the window for a moment. He sat there his face now placed in his cupped hands. I quickly turned around and started to walk. After walking about forty feet I realized that I was headed in the wrong direction, I was walking away from the bus, but at this point I think it is best to just stay away from anyone. After walking for five more minutes I heard footsteps behind me. I didn’t even turn around to see who they belonged to. I just kept walking, I just spilt my heart out to the man of my dreams and I don’t regret a thing about it.
A hand was placed on my shoulder. As I turned around to see who it was, they were pushing me toward a building. My back rested upon bricks they were slightly cold, I could even feel it through my shirt and hoodie. The leaned towards me, the light was shining on their face. It was Shane. I was relieved and scared to find out it was Shane. I didn’t know why he came after me. And maybe I didn’t want to know. He leaned even closer to my face, his body pressed against mine. It felt so good; his body touching mine like I have wanted for so long. I took a sharp breath in.
“Paul…” He whispered my name; I felt his hot breath on my face. I shuddered. I was trying to resist the urge to kiss him again. His lips were soft and sweet before and I longed to taste them again. His head was moving even closer, dangerously close. Shane’s lips brushed against mine, I wanted a full kiss though. He pulled his head away. He stood there, arms on either side of my shoulders, trapping me where I stood, not letting me go. He left, headed in the direction of which he came. Running away from me.
I sighed and continued to lean against the brick building. I couldn’t move; my legs didn’t want to carry me back the bus. I knew the way, but my legs were immobile. I wish things were back to normal. The days when I hadn’t told Shane of my feelings, I would rather have him not know and I suffering then having things awkward and weird between us. It didn’t feel right when everything was like this, I didn’t like, and I am pretty sure Shane didn’t either.
I found myself walking back towards the bus. I came upon the diner with the glass windows spilling bright light onto the sidewalk. I stood near one of the windows watching that old couple once again. There was something that just attracted me to them. I watched them they were just finishing up their slices of pie. They were holding hands as they did so, smiling warmly at one another. Enjoying their life with each other. I had a genuine smile across my face; it had been awhile since my mouth formed one.
I kept on walking; I needed to get back to the bus. It was getting late and cold. I was truly tired from the day’s events. I was now passing familiar land marks and in the distance I could see the out line of the bus in an empty parking lot. I saw the soft glow from the windows; the curtains were closed so the light wasn’t too bright. I stop dead in my tracks, I didn’t know if I should go on the bus. What if Shane was on there? The last thing I want to do is make anything uncomfortable for him.
I then heard a soft voice from behind.
“Excuse me sir.” I turned around to see the old couple from the diner. I noticed I was in the way of them continuing down the sidewalk. It must have been the lady that spoke because the old man looked like he was focused on something across the street. The lady wore a smile on her face.
“I’m entirely sorry. Wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing.” I was rambling because I was stunned. “I….I was thinking too hard I guess.” She laughed at my bad attempt at a joke.
“It’s alright dear.” She patted my shoulder as she and her husband walked past. She was a sweet lady, even though I barely spoke to her. I watched them walk down the street. They were just so astonishing. It was hard to explain.
I was running towards the bus. I reached the door and stopped for a moment to catch my breath. I didn’t want anything to look abnormal. I reached my shaky hand towards the latch. This was it. I don’t know why I was so uneasy about getting on the bus. I have been on it countless times before. But not under the same circumstances, having told my band mate and good friend that I was in love with him.
I swung the door open and stepped up the stairs leading to the front lounge. Bill was still sitting in the same spot as he was when Shane and I, sounds so good together, left for our dinner and talk. Neil was also still sitting there. Neil greeted me warmly with a smile, normal for him. Bill looked at me, eager and excited.
“Did you tell him?” He was like a little school girl, waiting for he gossip from his little clique of friends. I shook my head yes. He smiled his smile with the dimples taking their rightful place on his cheeks.
“Have you seen him?” I spoke to Bill, not so sure of the words my mouth was forming.
“We haven’t been sitting here the whole time we went and got something to eat also. Sorry.” Bill shrugged with the word sorry. I walked back towards the bunk area. I heard Neil asking bill a few questions after I left.
“Tell who what? Wait…..I’m SOOOOO confused.” Neil sighed out in frustration while Bill just laughed. “This is not funny. Stop laughing, meanie!” Sometimes my band mates can act like children. I was just at the bathroom door. I heard a sigh from behind the door; I was just about to knock, when something unexpected happened. When I was kidnapped, yes I was kidnapped on my own tour bus.
I was in the bathroom it was dark; I felt the person’s breath on me. It reminded me of Shane. It truly did. We were pressed together, our bodies close, cramped in the teeny bathroom. They flipped on the light. It was Shane, once again with his surprise attack. I wanted to be in this position with Shane, but this was just uncomfortable. I had the unearthly urge to kiss him. I couldn’t help myself, I leaned my face in. He stopped me his fingers were on my lips. Shane’s index finger was playing with my lip ring. It was not helping the situation it made me want to kiss him even more.
Shane moved his finger up and down following the curve of it. He leaned in. Moving his hand from my lip to my cheek and then to the back of my head. My lips against his to mine felt great. Suddenly his hand was not on the back of my head, then the lights went off. And some wonder why I love him.
I slipped my tongue out of my mouth and licked his bottom lip. Shane got the idea and gave me entrance into his mouth. I explored every part of his mouth with my tongue. We shared a deep passionate kiss, I enjoyed every minute of it. I was the first to pull away I didn’t want to but I need to get some air.
“Ummmm…” I was actually at a lost for words. I never thought I would be in this type of situation.
“Wow.” That was all Shane said. He said simple and clear. I took his hand in mine, I didn’t feel like being my horny self, I felt like being romantic. I started to kiss his neck, working from his collar bone that was visible all the way up to his jaw line. Well I would have gone farther but he had stopped me. “Paul….that feels great, but…..mmmmm.”
“What?” I asked kissing his hands that were entangled within my own.
“I want to go slow. I don’t want this too be something that we push so fast it doesn’t work out. I want to go at a normal pace one were we know that the relationship will last for awhile.” I looked at him with wide eyes. “What, did I say something to offend you?”
“No! You actually want a relationship with me.” Once again this man surprised me. “Are you serious?” Shane smiled at me and shook his head yes. I brought him into a death grip hug. I was so happy. I have never been that happy in my entire life. Once I let go of him. I stood straight and looked him in the eye.
“Shane, will you be my boyfriend?”
“Of course. I would never turn you down.” I kissed him again. I pressed my lips to his hard and firm. I grabbed his hand and opened the bathroom door. I quickly made my way to my bunk. I firmly had a hold on Shane’s hand. Then the door slammed shut. We did not want to draw attention to ourselves. I guess Bill saw us because I heard him yell at us.
“YAY! You guys are too cute.” We also caught the attention of Neil who was sitting next to Bill. “OW!” It was like he was calling after a hot girl or something. But I do say we make a nice looking couple. “Finally! Took you long enough Paul.”
“NOW I GET IT!” Neil said smacking his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. I heard Shane laugh as well.
We had finally made it to my bunk. I climbed in first; my back was up against the wall waiting for Shane to climb in. As he climb in his face was to my face. As soon as he was comfortable I closed the curtains behind him. We were alone in my bunk free to be ourselves. I sweetly kissed his lips. He gladly kissed me back. I was so ecstatic, this is the place were I wanted to be. He quickly flipped over so his back was facing me. I whispered one last thing to him.
“I love you.” I nuzzled my face into he back of Shane’s head, I breathed in his scent. I wrapped my arms around his waist, never wanting this to end. I thought I heard Shane say something, but I was already in a heavenly sleep. This was the one spot I wanted to be in the entire world, sleeping with the man of my dreams with my arms wrapped around him, never letting go.