Will You Swear on Your Life, That Life Is Beautiful?

“Yo, how is my girl?” I looked up from the ground to Jason. I smiled sadly and he kneeled down beside me. “You alright?” I nodded avoiding eye contact. But then I looked at him and shook my head trying to get things right in my head. “What’s wrong baby?” he asked softly, resting his hand on my leg.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, I looked directly at the wall and I could feel Jason looking at me. “Jay… I…I’m sorry,” I whispered taking a deep breath, before looking at him. “I’m pregnant…” I spoke the two words I swore I would never let slip from my mouth again.

“Your what?” I sniffed not expecting his voice to be so clear and excited. “A baby?” he grinned, slowly his hand made it’s way to my stomach. I tried to not look so sad. “Are you sure? Have you seen a doctor yet?” I shook my head. “Well, I’ll bring you first thing in the morning then.”

“Jason… it might not be yours… it could be his either…” I told him softly, but still that smile never left his face. “I can’t ask you to help me raise someone else’s child that’s not right.”

“It doesn’t matter, Amanda, I love you. We could make this work and he would never have to know anything about the baby. There is o damage done and Michelle won’t have to know anything your little fling. It’ll be perfect, I promise.” He said in excitement. He was full of surprises; first I didn’t think he would take to Seb now he is excited about the fact of having his own to raise.

“It’s not that easy,” I sighed. “It’s hard, tiring, I just don’t think I should let you put yourself through it if it’s not yours.”

“But it’ll be fine, just think; me, you, Seb and a little brother or sister for him. I don’t care about all the small details after all of it you and I will still be fine -”

“You don’t get it do you?!” I unexpectedly yelled. “I can’t handle babies. I’m not a good mother and I never will be. I leave my child with my stepmother for two-thirds of the year because I can’t handle him. I don’t know how to handle him! I love him to death but I just don’t know what to do with him most of the time!”

“But it will be okay, you will have me this time around. I can help you with Seb and the new child.”

“I can’t do it Jason, I’m not mother material. You will be touring most of the time with Avenged how would that be helping me to raise kids when you are touring most of the year while I’m touring most of the year because I don’t want to be a mother all over again, I don’t want to go threw it all over again. I can’t do it, not with you, not with anyone else.”

“Mands you don’t mean that your just upset-”

“Upset?” I yelled, getting off the couch. “I found out that I was pregnant in rehab because I was fucked up and I stayed in there with someone watching me until I had two weeks left of being pregnant. When I had Seb, I was determined to show people that I was capable of looking after someone and myself but I failed. I failed as a person, as a human and most of all I failed as a mother. I don’t want to be a failure all over again I don’t need the pain.”

“So you had a hard time with your first child as a single mom, who the hell doesn’t struggle at first?” he shouted back at me. “You have to understand that!”

“You don’t know what it was like,” I snapped bitterly. “I didn’t love my son, my own flesh and blood. I knew I couldn’t tell my dad; I didn’t want counselling again I hated that. For five months from the week Seb was born until he was five months old I was using heroin and e tablets…. The whole time hadn’t spoken to my family. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t love my own child. It was killing me that I couldn’t love him the way I should have”

Jason came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. “When he was five months old I overdosed on heroin right beside his crib. My dad for some reason came by and found me, slipping away. I died and then I revived beside my child. Even now, I don’t think I love him enough, that’s why I leave him with Fran.”

“Mands -” I pulled Jason’s arms from around me and walked towards the door. “Where are you going? We’re meant to be going out for dinner.” I couldn’t face him, instead I did what I knew best; I ran from something I couldn’t control.

“Jesus Christ, why can’t everyone hurry up? I could eat a blood horse right now.” Michelle muttered, she was irritated that people where coming later than she told them to. Couldn’t blame her since she was eating for three. “Brian, I am going to kill your friends.”

I smiled, I was sitting beside Michelle and Jason was sitting opposite me. He greeted me with a smile when he came in but didn’t say anything to me. I guess Michelle thinks that I told him it wasn’t his because she didn’t say a word. “I’m just going to use the loo.” I told them and left the table.

I got into the stalls and sat down on the toilet and sighed. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be with Brian or Jason but I promised Michelle I would go with her, a choice that I deeply regretted. After I left Jason on the bus I found refuge with two full packets of cigarettes.

I walked back out and saw that everyone was now seated with the waiter taking everyone’s order. “Jesus, you’re just as bad as that lot!” I smiled lowly and sat down beside Michelle. “Now you just order your food and the rest of the night will be fine, alright?” I nodded.

“Though you were bringing the tot?” Jimmy questioned and I shook my head. “Oh well that’s too bad. Now Johnny won’t have anyone to play with while the grown ups talk.” And eruption of laughter left everyone’s lips except mine.

The dinner went along quite fast everyone was enjoying themselves having a laugh. I avoided talking to Jason the entire time and I was happy with myself. Michelle and Brian had announced their baby news, which had launched the table into baby talk. This was something I wasn’t going to avoid.

“Did you ever think about having another one?” Zacky’s girlfriend, Gena had asked me.

“Well to be honest -”

“We didn’t want to spoil their baby news,” Jason said with a smile. He had a good few drinks and I was appreciating the conversations he was coming up with. He had Michelle’s, Zack’s, Gena’s, Brian’s utmost attention and mine when he spoke up. “But we have a bub on the way as well.” He winked at me.

“What?” Brian spat out his drink, catching Matt’s attention. “You are pregnant?” the worried look on his face wasn’t seen by anyone else except mine.

“Yeah… yeah I am.” I said. A couple of congratulations were given and hand shakes and hugs where in order after that. “Thanks Jason,” I said lowly leaving the table despite attempts to call me back.