Love Me Patiently, Love Me Honestly

He put his hand on the small of my back but I squirmed away.

“You were having sex with Carly?” I was dumbfounded.

“Maddie…it’s not what you think. It wasn’t supposed to happen.” He reached for me.

I kept my hands close to my body. “How old is Emma?” I asked quietly, my mouth dry.

“Ten months.”

My bottom lip quivered as the first tear fell. “You were having sex with Carly when I told you I loved you last year.” I stated, my voice was shaking and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

“Maddie,” He started but I interrupted.

“You led me on for two years while you were having sex with my sister!?” I was angry now. I was furious, I was humiliated.

“Maddie, it wasn’t like that. I’m sorry! We tried to keep this from you to protect you.” He sounded so upset and it only fueled my rage.

We? I took a deep breath. “Did everyone know?”

He didn’t reply.

“Garrett?” Kennedy looked away. “Pat? Jared?” He didn’t say a thing. “My mom and dad?” He finally nodded his head, saying yes to all five people I had listed.

I took a deep breath as my eyes filled with more tears, “John?” I whispered.

Kennedy lifted his gaze to meet my tear-filled globes and stayed silent.

I fell to my knees. He rushed for me but I stopped him. “Get away from me.” I gathered the courage to stand up again. He was only a few inches away from me and his eyes spoke nothing except deep remorse. I looked past him, at the bed that wasn’t made. He followed my gaze and stared at the sheets, then back at me.

The tears swelled again.

“Maddie,” he tried to soothe.

“I hate you, Kennedy Brock. I hate you more than anything in this world.” I screamed before I ran out of the room. He followed me and when I reached his front door I put my hand on the doorknob and turned to face him.

I was blinded by hate and regret, and I didn’t regret or hate anyone more in this world then the boy with tears in his eyes standing in front of me.

“Maddie, please don’t leave, just hear me out.”

I took a deep breath. “You should have been the one to be shot. I wish you had died that day, Kennedy. You don’t deserve that beautiful little girl, you didn’t deserve my sister, and you sure as hell don’t deserve the time of day to explain yourself.”

I could tell this hurt him and all I felt was satisfaction. I never knew this part of me had existed, but I didn’t try to calm it.

“That’s not fair, Maddie.”

I opened the door but stayed facing Kennedy. “No, Kennedy, what’s not fair, is having your heart ripped out by the same boy who five minutes before took your virginity.”

Kennedy looked past me as I said this, his eyes wide with fear. I turned and found the last person I wanted to see.

John had his hands in his pockets. He was wearing a leather jacket and his hair was partly in his face. He looked me in the eye, then back at Kennedy. His body tensed and he lightly pushed me aside. He stormed towards Kennedy and punched him in the face so hard Kennedy just fell over. He didn’t fight back; he knew he deserved it.

He walked back towards me slowly. “Maddie…” he didn’t know what to say.

I stared at him, thinking about how badly I just wanted him to hold me in his arms. I wanted him to care for me like he did when he was just like an older brother to me. But before I could feel any kind of love the rage resurfaced in my heart. I pushed him away from me and walked out the door.

I felt John behind me as I walked past his car and along the sidewalk down Kennedy’s street. He didn’t say anything, and instead got in his car and followed me slowly. I wrapped my arms around myself, realizing it was getting cold.

“Maddie, get in the car,” He begged, calling through the open passenger side window. I didn’t look at him. “Maddie, please.”

“Leave me alone, John,” I said. “Or better yet, go back to Kennedy’s and call all the guys over. Maybe you can all think of another lie to tell me for a year.”

“Maddie, I was going to tell you,” he started.

“When?” I asked, stopping and looking at him now. “When did you feel was the right time to tell me?”

“I told Kennedy he had until midnight. We all wanted to tell you but it wasn’t our place. Please understand.”

I wanted to understand, more than anything. I had so many questions.

Why would Carly sleep with Kennedy when she knew how I felt about him?

Why would my parents and my best friends lie to me?

Why did I ever have to fall in love with Kennedy Brock?

None of these questions could be answered right now, and I knew I didn’t want to know.

John followed me all the way to Garrett’s house, only a few blocks down. The house was quiet, but I knew inside there were people waiting to surprise me. I turned back to John.

“Don’t talk to me tonight John, please. Let me enjoy my party,” I said as he stepped out of his car.

“Maddie, you need to talk about what happened back there,” He said.

“No, no I don’t. I’m eighteen and I’m going to celebrate my birthday. Maybe I’ll talk to you later.” I started to walk up the steps, still facing John.

“Do you promise?” he asked.

I stopped when I reached the door. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, “No, actually. I’m trying this new thing called lying. Maybe you’ve heard of it?” I hoped that hit him hard and I smiled inwardly when his shoulders hunched and he closed his eyes.

I opened the door and walked into the dark house.

“Hello?” I said unenthusiastically.

I was met with a loud “SURPRISE!” screamed by about a hundred people. I turned back to look at John, then I turned to Garrett who was putting a party hat on me.

“Thanks you guys!”

“Happy Birthday, sweets.” Garrett kissed my cheek.

I looked him in the eyes. With that one look I told him everything I needed to and his face fell.

“Maddie…” he said my name in the same why both John and Kennedy had and I put my hand against his chest before he continued.

I turned to the people around me, “I think it’s time for some birthday drinks.” I said and they all cheered as I was passed a shot glass of I don’t know even know what. I drank it and cringed as it burned my throat.

The alcohol numbed my broken heart and the loud music blocked out every thought in my head. Tonight I would forget, so that tomorrow I wouldn’t remember how it felt to have my heart broken by every single one of my friends.

**

I spent the night drinking anything I could get my hands on and dancing with boys I couldn’t remember the names of.

I steered clear of anything and everything having to do with Pat, Garrett, Jared, John, and Kennedy.

I knew they were there, pretending to mingle as they all kept a close eye on me. They stayed close, and when they tried to talk to me I didn’t acknowledge them. I wasn’t mean and I wasn’t kind; I was pretending to be unaware. But they were there; ready to catch me when I would eventually fall.

And I did fall. After I had found my way upstairs to Garrett’s bedroom I sat down on the bed, a full bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand. It was 2:41 when I got there, and I must’ve been there a long time, because eventually the music grew quieter and the chatter of the people downstairs became nonexistent.

Garrett poked his head in and I looked at him. “Hey buddy!” I greeted, I was too drunk to keep up the façade that I didn’t care.

“You’re drunk,” He sat down on the bed next to me.

I put my arm around him, “And you’re not?” I asked.

He chuckled, “No, Maddie, you took all the liquor.” He motioned to the almost empty bottle in my hands.

I looked at it and put it to my lips, I let every last drop burn my throat as I felt the last of my judgment slip away.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked.

“Sure don’t,” I replied, lying back onto the very comfortable bed.

Garrett stood up and put his hands on his hips, “All right, Maddie, I’m done tip-toeing. You’re going to talk to me about this right now,” he said forcefully.

I sat up slowly, more worried by the spinning room then by Garrett’s serious tone. “What do I owe you?”

“Maddie, I know you’re upset with me, so please tell me what I can say to make it better.” His eyes were full of apologies, which was the very last thing I wanted to see. Even intoxicated it was hard to stay angry at Garrett.

I looked at him now, my mind not so hazy. The alcohol had not done its job; I shouldn’t be able to think like this. “Tell me you didn’t know.”

“What?” He didn’t understand.

I stood up, using the bed as support, and walked to him. I stood only a few inches from him and looked him in the eyes. I had my arms crossed over my chest. “Tell me that you didn’t know.” I tried not to slur.

“Maddie…” he put his hands on my bare arms and I didn’t pull away.

“Garrett, please,” I whimpered, any control I had was about to be thrown out the window. I just needed to hear him say it, to let me know I had one friend left in the world. It didn’t matter that I knew it wasn’t true; all that mattered was that I heard the words come out of his mouth.

He sighed. He didn’t say anything and tears started to stain my cheeks. “Garrett, say you didn’t know!” I screamed. I knew it was unnecessary to shout but I needed him to lie to me.

He looked away from me, then back again. “I didn’t know,” he said quietly.

With those three words I fell hard into Garrett’s chest as he wrapped his arms around me. I sobbed into his shirt as the pain I had fought so hard to control washed over me.