I Don't Wanna Be in Love

The outer appearance of Jacoby’s house had no change when Ember pulled her car into the driveway. His car was put away inside the two-car garage-sitting as lonely as the man inside.
Ember still has her house key to the place she only recently disowned as her home. Home now is whichever hotel room she gets as she checks into the place of stay for vacationers, rock stars, movie stars, athletes and business men. Every other night she has to check into a different room, you can’t stay too long you know. And after this last night she’ll have to swing her bag over her shoulder and check into the hotel a few blocks away.
She takes cautious steps up to the front door with her keys drawn. And after a few minutes of debating and queasiness she slides the key into the lock and proceeds on walking into the destroyed remains of the living room.

Sitting there on a scattered coffee table is Jacoby. With messy, fresh wet hair from his shower and a paper plate with the remains of a sandwiches’ crust. He takes a full minute before looking up to the shadow that’d come on in from the outside. He knew Jerry would be back and figured that’s who had stepped in. But the movements were light and no one spoke. Could it be? Has Ember come home? Slowly his eyes rise from the floor and with the slightest glimpse at her shoes his eyes rush up and take in her appearance fully.

Ember’s eyes shuffle around the room after locking with Jacoby’s hopeful peeps for only a second. All of the things he’s wanted to say have left him in the speed of striking lightning and he forgets how to function. The air he isn’t breathing is sharp around his skin as he tries to remember how to breathe. His eyes know how to water though, and water do they. A tear lines his bottom lid as he loses his mind in standing in this room with her.

And Ember tries not to quiver in this atmosphere. Her lips pull into the sides as they struggle for a weak smile, only a frown makes its way visible. Say something…Anything… Her basic motor functions fail her as she tries to think of something to say. She knew it would be hard facing Jacoby, and she knew she wasn’t ready. But she was doing this for him, it was best that he heard that she was dating someone new by her voice and lips. After going behind Jacoby’s back and leaving him for someone else, she owned him this much. Or maybe she didn’t want to feel like she’d be in trouble if Jerry was the one who broke the news…

Like being woken up by an electrical shock, Ember jolts at Jacoby’s touch. She had spaced out in her own thoughts for so long she hadn’t noticed him move towards her. His arms being thrown around her and embracing her in a tight hug woke her up. “Oh I knew you’d be back babe,” He murmurs in her shoulder as he holds on for dear life. With a hit of reality, Ember gets a few tears climbing against her eyes. This wasn’t going to be as simple as telling him, ‘Jacoby I’m not coming back to you. I’ve found someone new.’ His hands are scraping through her shirt as he holds so firmly, with no thoughts of letting go.

“Jacoby,” She whispers, not getting out anything vocally strong, as she tries to get free of his hold. “Jacoby, I need to talk to you can you please let go?” She tries saying again a few minutes later when he hadn’t heard her croaked little word the first time. Her voice is a little tougher through her sentence as she tries to get his attention.
“Oh yeah,” He says, letting go as soon as he hears the end of her sentence. Letting go might not have been for the best idea, for now she is directly looking at his beaming face. “Go ahead, talk away love.”

“Okay,” She almost mouths, the feeling in her gut twisting her insides around like putty. “I have something I need to-“
“When I read your letter I had no idea where you were coming from. I absolutely broke down with all the terrible thoughts that I’d never be with you again, but there was that voice in the back of my mind that told me to be positive and here you are.” His excitement is like that of a child on Christmas morning when they open that one gift they begged Santa for.
He really believes that these two belong together and he can’t think of being separated from her. It’s cruel when you give your heart to someone one hundred percent, and think you have theirs only to find out that they don’t want your heart or for you to have theirs. They’ve been apart for week, and he completely broke down inside and out. How’s he going to take the news that she’s with another? Maybe it’ll offer him some sort of cruel closure, instead of leaving him with glimpses and voices of hope. Nip it in the bud so he can mourn, cry and move on. Whether he’ll think that be possible or not.

“I think you should sit down,” She starts off, not wanting to go any further with this conversation.
“No it’s alright, I’m fine. Just tell me.”
“Well, I don’t exactly know-“
“And after you tell me what you have to, I have something huge to ask you.” Something huge to ask you… Repeats in her head as she remembers what Jerry had just told her. He was fixing to propose to you. At this, she knows she can’t let him go on.
“About my letter, I told you I had to leave and make sure that I love you-“
“You’re back now, so you know for sure and we can be okay now.” He says, cutting her off again. But he can’t hold his excitement and eagerness. “Though, I did really think you’d be gone longer than a week.”
“Jacoby I’m not back here to be with you.” She confesses, not being able to hear anymore from him. His eyes drop and his lips fall from the happy smile they just wore. Not knowing what to think, too many things are running through his head after hearing her words, he tries fighting back anymore tears but his bottom lip is fixing to give out in the quivers rumbling through it. “I needed to come over to tell you something.”

“Tell…Me...What…” He manages to get out with numerous breaths. He can feel his insides drop and become limp and lifeless already. I’m going to watch her walk out the door this time. Not because he was tired of standing or even knew what his body was doing, Jacoby fell on his butt on the end of the coffee table where he first sat. “You aren’t staying, so what do you need something? Is that what you came back for?” He asks in an undertone, with his eyes unable to look up past her shoes.

“No I didn’t come back for something, I came back to talk to you. I didn’t want you thinking something had happened to me. I wanted to let you know I was fine, and with the way I left you, a letter and driving away- I didn’t think calling you would do justice.” Her eyes fall on his frame, a limp frame that plopped on the table. “In my letter I told you I had to get away for a bit, to make sure that I’m in love with you-“
“I know what your letter said.” Ember wasn’t sure if Jacoby was trying to be harsh and just failing at it or not. He’s given up on trying to make strong words, they’re coming out as lifeless as he’s feeling each second that’s passing. “You said you needed time, time for what Ember? Don’t you love me anymore?” Don’t you love me anymore? His question made the tears behind her eyes fall past her cheeks, wetting them lightly. With no idea where she would take it, Ember crosses the room and kneels in front of Jacoby, placing a shaky hand on his knee.
“Of course I love you,” She begins, in a worried whisper. No, Ember wasn’t lying. She does love him, as a person, as a friend and as someone she’s shared so much time with. But the question weighing here is she still in love with him. Her plan was to just take a break, test out the waters with Matt and see where her love lies. Her plan is somewhere in the back of her mind jumbling up with other words. “I’ll always love you that can never change. But Jacoby I need to take some time to myself before I can go any further with you. I’ve taken your lifestyle and accepted it-“ She pauses, not knowing where to continue with this. She’s looking up to his drooping face with his closed eyes as he hears her out, small tears breaking through his eyelashes. With a soundless sigh she continues, “-I’m not saying anything against that lifestyle…But I feel the girls and partying is something you had to go through and have fun with…Experience… I’ve never been in a relationship like the one I’ve been in with you and I just need to take some space to figure a few things out-“

“What things? The drugs? The girls? Baby, you mean more to me than any of that shit.” He breaks, opening his eyes to look at hers. He places his hand gently on hers a moment later.

“Not those things, personal things. Like if I can handle being with someone forever. Baby-“ Ember tries choking back the word but it was already spoken, so after taking a breath she keeps talking. “I never pictured myself as the forever type-“

“You aren’t making any sense. Can’t you just come home? Please?”

“I need to get some air away from here before I can do that. Can’t you understand please? I’m not trying to hurt you-“

“Then why didn’t you try talking to me about this? Why’d you drive off and leave me a damn letter?” He says, losing his voice in sobs. “If you need space, I’ll give it to you because I don’t want to lose you.”

“You don’t have to.” She replies, now only telling him what he wants to hear. I’m so going to hell… She thinks to herself as she tells that white lie. Maybe he won’t lose me…Give Matt a month and it might not work out, I’ll come home again and we can be happy as ever…It’s not lying… Breaking the silent moment the ringtone to Ember’s phone goes off, making noises from her pocket. She knows its Matt, he has his own ringtone. “Hang on, let me get this. It’s someone from work,” For a moment she forgets anyone’s name from work as she lies some more, picking her phone out of her pocket.

“Hello,” Jacoby takes his hand back and crosses his arms across his knees after Ember gets up and walks a few steps away. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit. Bye.”

“You have to get going?” He asks in another low tone. All rumble from his voice dispersed sometime ago.

“Yeah, but I can call you later or something?...” She feels awkward saying that, but why? She can’t keep in touch with a friend who really needs it right now? “Or you can call me if you need anything… I just have to get to this dinner with the crew, it’s a live night at that and we’re on location…”
“You don’t have to explain, just go away.” In this condition she feels like she can’t cut him up anymore and tell him that she’s seeing someone else already. So with a nod and a light touch to his shoulder, not chancing to hug him again, Ember softly opens the front door and walks out it. The rush of the late afternoon air presses against her face and almost knocks her down. She inhales deeply and tries to think past his tragic eyes, shambled body and disastrous house as she walks to her car.

Jacoby couldn’t pick up his eyes to watch her leave but the click of the door twice and emptiness that claimed the house was enough to send him into a new fit of shattering.