The Now or Never Kind

I had to admit that it was nice to feel wanted, though not when people were arguing over me. Beth and Matt had never gotten along since they met—well, since before they met, actually—so it wasn’t exactly surprising that she didn’t trust him to keep me overnight and he didn’t trust her period. Plus he was selfish and wanted me all to himself.

While they went uselessly back and forth, Didi and I leaned against Matt’s (probably brother-in-law’s) car, watching them. “So where are we off to next?” she asked after a few minutes.

I swung my head around, momentarily ignoring my instinct to keep the peace. “What gives you this impression we’re jumping ship again?” I countered curiously. “I mean, the whole point of going to New York was to avoid boyfriends—now ex-boyfriend—and the point of going to Chicago was because I thought Matt was heading to find us.”

She shrugged. “I wanna be on the road again.” A grin spread across her face.

I shook my head, laughing. “You’re obsessed, Dierdre my doe.”

“You would know.”

“I know a lot of things about Shawn,” I reasoned, eyes moving back to my drummer and merchgirl. “More than anyone probably should.” She hummed idly, also going back to watching the late entertainment. I hate how things just worm their way into my head. “Were you thinking of somewhere specific?”

She got a very familiar smirk on her face; familiar because I’d seen it on Beth and in pictures of myself. “I’ve got a few ideas,” she said mysteriously.

I smiled. “This is awesome. You’re even scary like I am.”

Didi laughed. “It’s so much fun! So shall I make a call?”

“I’ll think about it,” I decided, seeing that Matt and Beth seemed to have settled on something and were now heading towards us. “You two done?”

“For now,” Beth replied simply, shooing us away from the car and opening the back door for herself. “Matthew is driving us back to my father’s house, where he will proceed to drop off Didi and me and kidnap you to his sister’s house for the afternoon.”

I slid into the front seat and saw Matt roll his eyes. “Remind me to tell Viv that her house is going to be overrun with hot, caustic redheads,” he muttered. I patted his hand as he started the engine and we took off.

The majority of the car ride was filled with Matt telling me all the things I’d missed while I was gone. For the most part it included most everyday life, with the exception of Sean’s girlfriend arriving from London and their (apparent) constant worry over where the hell I was and whether I was alive or not. I mean, really. It was like they didn’t know me at all.

Eventually we lapsed into silence and simply listened to the radio playing quietly. I, as usual, was contemplating decisions I’d made and ones I had to make, and after a while turned to look at Didi. “Whom would be you be calling?”

She chuckled, turning away from the scenery passing the window. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” she replied, grinning. “Can I call?”

“Who are you calling?” Matt asked, peering at her through the rear view mirror.

“If I don’t tell her, why would I tell you?” Didi queried, looking at him sceptically.

Matt was wearing one of his more serious faces. “Because I’m two years older and wiser than, and in charge of Penelope, and I know a lot of people. From what I know of you, whoever you’re calling is—one—male and—two—a musician.”

Behind me, Beth snorted, which made me smile out the windshield. “…Yeah, still no dice.”

“Can I at least have a general idea?” I asked a few minutes later, twisting around in my seat again.

“He’s tall and awkward.”

“That’s literally everyone we know,” Beth said with slight incredulity. “Well, except for the short, awkward ones.”

Didi grinned again. “She said ‘general idea’,” she reminded, “And that’s what you get.”

“If you’re going to see someone,” Matt jumped in, “I’m going with you.”

“Aww, whyyy?” Didi whined. “I don’t know if I like you yet!” Both Beth and I cracked up laughing, though Matt seemed less than amused by this notion. Jesse wasn’t the only one of my boys who liked people to like him. “Besides, you’re a boy. This road trip is girls only.”

We laughed even harder when Didi stuck her tongue out at him and Matt gasped before doing the same. Then he settled into a pout as he continued driving. “I can make you less male, Lawrie,” Beth reminded.

Matt rolled his eyes. “Drop the ice bitch act, Beth. It gets old fast.”

Here we go, I thought rolling my eyes as they started again. I turned around and made a sad face at Didi. “Mommy and Daddy are fighting again,” I said in a childish voice.

She nodded gravely. “Seems like that’s all they ever do,” she agreed.

I shrugged, settling into the side of the headrest. “It is, pretty much. I think I predicted right when I said that Beth and Brendon would either murder each other or have hot sex. Except for the Brendon part.” I eyed both Matt and Beth and shuddered.

Didi chuckled as she played with her phone. “Well, while they’re distracted…” She stuck her tongue between her teeth and dialled a number. When I tried to lean back and see, she turned her body away and Matt tugged me down into my seat, forgetting his argument with Beth. “No peeking!”

“Why nooooot?!” I whined, laughing. “I wanna seeeeeeeee!”

“Because it’s a surprise!”

“Oh my god, both of you shut up!” Matt groaned, slowing the car. “And if you’re not a natural redhead, get the fuck out of my car.”

Didi and Beth both stuck their tongues out at him as they opened their doors. “It’s not even your car,” the latter muttered. I rolled my window down and hung halfway out of the car to give them both hugs.

When I sat back down and shut the window, Matt was staring at me. Perhaps staring was the wrong word. More… studying. I tilted my head at him inquisitively. He blinked a few times before leaning over and hugging me tightly.

Hugging someone sitting next to you is clumsy and difficult, and hugging someone next to you while you’re both buckled up in a car is nearly impossible. I ended up almost choking myself, and it didn’t help my air supply that the instant Matt let me go, he kissed me lightly on the lips before restarting the car.

And then he didn’t look at me for another ten minutes while I stared at him.

“Stop confusing my hormones!” I eventually managed.

He smirked, glanced at me, and shook his head. “Jeez, Bill got you that worked up? Must have been damn good sex.” I whacked his arm. “Ow, driving here!”

“You have time to mock me,” I pointed out, before muttering, “You stupid delicious-lipped bastard.”

“What was that?”

I turned my head and tossed him a glare, seeing the end of him smothering his smile. “You’re a bitch.” I smiled warmly. “I missed you.” He beamed toothily.

I’d never been to Vivienne’s house—last time we were in Illinois, we stayed at the house Matt grew up in—but it was pretty much what I’d expected. Bigger than most in an urban area, but not a mansion.

Vivienne herself was sitting in the living room when we walked in. “Hi, guys,” she greeted with a smile, not at all surprised that I’d joined her brother.

“Hey, traitor,” I replied lightly. Matt looked confused while she laughed, and I shook my head. “Your sister sold me out.”

“I said I wouldn’t tell Matt,” she clarified, holding up a finger. “I never said anything about telling Jesse and Sean.”

I rolled my eyes helplessly. “Jesus, people tell me I manipulate words.”

Matt chuckled and tugged the side of my belt. “C’mon upstairs. We have shit to discuss.”

“Keep the door open, little brother,” Vivienne reminded as we walked, “Unless you two finally get in each other’s pants, in which case keep it quiet.” We froze, halfway up the flight of stairs, and exchanged pale looks before both yelling, “EW!”

People seriously need to get over the fact that Matt and I have chemistry. It’s never going to happen.

He took a running start and leapt onto the guest bed, quickly making himself comfortable. I decided to take the more civilised approach and walk fully into the room before using his stomach as a pillow as he switched on the stereo.

“Can I ask a semi-moronic question?” I requested, kicking my feet off the side of the bed. Matt hummed a couple of notes. “Why did you jump to Beth being pregnant and not me?”

Judging from the long stretch of silence, he wasn’t expecting that to be my question. “You call that semi-moronic?” he asked finally. I rolled my head back across his abs to look at him dubiously. Matt simply grinned before shrugging. “I dunno. The idea of you being pregnant scares the shit out of me?”

I laughed. “And Beth all hormonal with a little Di Costello-Christopher spawn doesn’t make you want to flee the country?”

“Well, when you put it like that…” We both snickered, and I sat up in order to sprawl on my stomach beside Matt, after shoving him over. “No, but I mean, like… Beth’s always been an adult, you know? When I met her, she was a woman.”

“And what am I, an embryonic platypus?” I challenged.

He groaned, palming his forehead. “That’s not what I meant!” he explained. “We met your freshman year of high school, right? You were fourteen, and I’d need serious therapy if I considered every fourteen year old girl a walking baby-maker.”

I frowned slightly at the headboard a few inches from my face before raising an eyebrow at him. “Even though, biologically, they are?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, but I’m trying to be not a misogynistic prick here.” Matt tucked one arm under his head. “But my point is that I can’t bring myself to think of you that way, because in a part of my mind, you’re still that fourteen year-old.” He paused. “You feel me?”

“I think so,” I said hesitantly.

“Also it would mean admitting that both you and I have grown up.”

“No, we haven’t.”

“…Yeah, probably not.”

We smiled at each other and settled into silence. Eventually Matt said, very quietly, “He’s a wreck.” I buried my head further into my arms, crossed over the pillow, and grumbled indistinctly. “And not the normal sort of wreck. He was so concerned about you, Pen. And then when he finally told me why he left in such a rush…”

He trailed off, probably because he noticed my eyes, barely peeking above my arms, were leaking. He turned onto his side, propping his head up on his elbow. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m such an idiot.” I opened my eyes, saw him looking at me with those big, caring green eyes, and smiled.

Then I buried my face in the pillow. “Fuuuuuuck,” I groaned, hitting myself on the back of the head. Matt let me really start to hurt myself before catching my fist and moving it away. “Ugh, I am such a stupid slut.”

“What?” Matt asked. I turned my head towards him and repeated myself. “…Again, what?”

I groaned and flopped over onto my back. “Okay, so the concise version: I knew months ago that we were going to break up, but I wanted to ride it out as long as possible, because… Ryan got me, you know?” Matt nodded in understanding. “But I realised that nothing had changed since last summer, so I broke it off. And then I remembered that I’m an idiot, so I went out and got plastered and made out with Jack because he’s so damn cute.”

He chuckled quietly. “Then I spent the entire trip flirting with the guys and checking everyone out and, shit, I even went out with Alex. I mean, if I hadn’t been in my right mind, I probably would have slept with him! And fuckbunnies would that have been a bad idea! And then Beth and I flew back here because we thought you were coming there, and Bill came back to keep an eye on us, and Beth had this stupid dinner party to go to… and I ended up at Lamppost’s place and somehow we… he…” I paused and sighed, only one way of explaining coming to mind. “Seduced me.”

I’d been talking faster and faster, trying to get all the words out without taking a breath, until I realised that he’d heard this all before. And I was rambling, which I hated. Matt knew better, though. He just let me talk myself down to the IQ of a glass of water or a Radio City Rockette.

“You still love Ryan, I get that,” Matt said after a moment. “But there are—”

“I will strangle you if you mention fish,” I reminded, poking him between the ribs and smiling at the resulting squeak.

He stuck his tongue out at me and turned so we were both staring at the ceiling. “Do you remember a few years when I was dating that girl Felicity?” I thought for a moment, squinting. “Bleach blonde hair, brown eyes, great legs?” I gave him an impatient look. “…Whatever. You remember when we broke up and she got suspended for that sex tape and I hooked up with her best friend?”

I stared at him blankly. “Is your point that I’m as big of a whore as you?” I asked. “Because that’s the impression I’m getting.”

“My philandering, manwhoring ways aside,” he said, rolling his eyes, “Felicity was a good fuck, but it wasn’t a good relationship. We just liked having each other there, which is why we had to go so extreme when we broke up. You and Ryan had a real, solid thing.” He smiled weakly. “And you’re both hurting about it, so I’d expect you both to… well, mourn.”

Matt cleared his throat. “But you’ve never had… Ryan was your first long-term relationship, and you want to make him suffer since it’s over. But trust me, that’s normal.”

I stopped chewing my lower lip, which I realised I’d been doing. “I don’t like normal,” I muttered, kneading the ball of my hand into my eye.

“I know, but you like Bill. And he likes you.”

I paused. Funny, I was just thinking about him, I thought. I didn’t know you were too, Matt. I rolled my head to the side, and he did the same. “What’re you getting at?”

He rolled his eyes. “Craig fuckin’ Christ, Rhiannon,” he groaned, “You’re a genius, but when a guy throws himself at you, you’re damn clueless.”

“I can and will hurt you, Lawrie.”

“Bill’s…” Matt stopped, looking thoughtful, and smiled. “It’s not my place, really. He can explain it himself. If he ever gets the balls, that is.”

I stared at him a few minute seconds before sighing. “I love you, Mattieboy,” I said, shaking my head, “But you’re insanely annoying.”

He laughed and put an arm around me when I clung to him. “I know, babe. It’s because I love you.” He kissed the top of my head, and my heart instantly sank.

Whether he knew it or not, Matt had just led me to make my decision. And I got the feeling that nobody was going to be very happy with it for a while.